You may find this useful if you want to celebrate Chinese New Year:

Lemn Sissay's antidote to the winter blues


CHRISTMAS CAKE DIRECTIONS

Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle vodka
2 cups of dried fruit



- Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
- Repeat.
- Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
- Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
- Try another cup ... just in case. Turn off the mixerer.Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
- Pick fruit off floor.
- Mix on the turner.
- If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
- Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
- Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
- Check the vodka.
- Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
- Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
- Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.
- Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
- Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat.

Fall into bed.