Friday, March 12, 2004

I have never really been able to explain about my melancholy moods. It isn't the great 'depression' that is so common in our society of high aspiration. It is far worse around other people (they seem to take it so personally - and either get angry, shouting "pull yourself together! Snap out of it! Stop indulging!" etc OR they feel sorry for me "There, there..." OR they become personal trainers "Do therapy" "try meditation" "don't dwell in the past", etc. I am sure there are other reactions, but I want to move on to the positives. (see, it works...)

There is nothing wrong with sadness. It's natural.

When I am in this state I am happier with nature, or animals, than people [the unnatural animals]. I can sit and watch the sea, or the sparrows at play. I can lie in a hot bath. My face relaxs from the grinning mask that society demands, and falls into deadpan relaxation (which is read as miserable in our extrovert culture).

I only feel futile or grumpy when confronted with humans. I scoff at tv ads, I perceive human endeavour and aspirations as futile and presumptuous, I am sardonic, sarcastic, cynical and generally unpleasant (I am told). But the curious thing is that I am content inside. I think it was in my depressed teens that I first came across Chinese poets, and they seemed to catch the mood exactly (even in translation). I gather that they (and the Japanese) have many words for these kinds of mental states....I can walk through the park without hope or despair.


All men are wreathed in smiles, ever merry-making,
As if feasting after the great sacrifice, like ascending a tower in spring.
I alone am inert, like a child that has not yet given sign;
Like a new-born child that cannot smile yet.
I seem to be homeless, I droop and drift as though I belonged nowhere, completely unattached.
All men have enough and to spare;
I alone seem to have lost everything; I am like one left out.
Mine is indeed the mind of an idiot, my heart must be that of a fool,
I can look dull - muddled, nebulous!
The world is full of knowing people that shine;
I alone am dull, confused.
I seem to be in the dark.
They look lively and clear-cut self-assured;
I'm alone, depressed, maybe patient as an ocean,
Blown adrift, seemingly aimless, never brought to a stop.
All men can be put to some use; as worldlings have a purpose.
I alone am intractable and boorish,
I seem to be rustic, stubborn and uncouth, yet differing from most people,
But I differ most from others in that I prize no sustenance that does not come from the breast of 'mother nature '

Lao Tse Verse 20

No comments:

Related Posts with Thumbnails