Make of it what you will.

Chatted with Habidabad online, and also HR, I am beginning to enjoy Instant messaging. I'm real ambiguous. I love computers and Internet - yet I have quite a strong dislike for cars (ex-Londoner and Green) and telephones. It's funny that. Some technologies for communication, travel or information storage I really like and some I dislike.

I don't know. I am a gizmo lover (conjuror as a child) and at the same time hate the way capitalism sells us all more and more techno-trivia. I can ravel this (sorry, unravel this) when I am thinking, and sometimes (only sometimes) when I am talking. It often makes no sense - dragging in Fuzzy Logic, and Quantum Uncertainty, Pantheism, Mysticism, technophiles and technphobes, futurists and back-to-nature buffs. Grey areas. Thresholds. Hierarchies. Networks. Spectra. You can see why people often don't understand. I often don't understand it myself (not in words, anyway).

No time to write about Bucky. It's late, and I just watched the end of The Sting. Great research....

I am now sitting in the workshop room for NOF training (we lightly call The Noffice), in the middle of the Systems Admin training, having gone to Germany and back in a day and a half. I'll have to leave a description until later, but basically I had some fun (in spite of all the miles - sorry, kilometres) and got back safely - if rather tired.

Hi to Mark - I hope the flu doesn't drag you down to much. Hi (whenever you may see this) to Mike Q - it was just like old times in the looooong periods of time on set, sitting in the car and improvising jokes and chat - it really helped - as ever.

And thanks to Andrea and Bart for setting it all up for me.

It's 2am, and I have to get ready to go to Germany for a day or two. I try to make that sound blasé, but I am as excited as a kid. I love adventures. I am also doing an interview about The Dark Crystal, with Habidabad, (via email and instant messaging). All this, and a week of learning a new computer system (as administrator) and a great night last night, at a jam session in a place down the road. Really rocking Bluesy jam session, opened with a cracking band doing my kinda stuff "All Over Now" "Like a Rolling Stone" "What'cha Gonna Do 'Bout It?" etc, then an endless set of permutations of sit-in drummers, bassists and leads - with The JJ Band coming back at the end to round it off. All this, and Julie back safely, too.

Happy. Busy. Tired. Enjoying my iridescent green silk suit (with loads of pockets) that Julie had made in Thailand.

The story from Resurgence (below) pretty much sums up how I have approached my working life... I started out in semi-retirement, loads of time and no money.....there was a short period when all that paid off, and I got some real income, but I still missed my time. I then took a few more years Rich in Time, Poor in Money.

Now I have a steady job, but low paid. Probably the worst of both worlds in one way (I've given up 37 hours a week, 48 weeks of the year - and without an income from which I can save to buy some time back). The only things that make it bearable are that I am learning a lot, (keeps you young), doing something genuinely useful, staying up with modern communications and information, hanging out in libraries (my favourite buildings of all) and getting to evolve a steady relationship, both with a community and a very precious individual (you know who you are).

Resurgence magazine (March/April 2003. IssueNo. 217) has a theme of The Myth of Prosperity. I liked this story: (humble apologies for this, but it is not one of the articles in the online version)

Rich in Things, Poor in Time: Heinrich Böll
(retold by Wolfgang Sachs)

A tourist focuses in on a most idyllic picture: a man dozing in a fishing boat that has been pulled out of the waves which come rolling up the sandy beach. The camera clicks;the fisherman awakens. The tourist offers him a cigarette and launches into a conversation: "The weather is great; there are plenty of fish. Why are you lying around instead of going out and catching more?"

The fisherman replies. "Because I caught enough this morning."

"But just imagine", the tourist says, "if you went out there three or four times a day, bringing home three or four times as much fish! You know what could happen?"
The fisherman shakes his head.
"After about a year you could buy yourself a motor-boat," says the tourist. "After two years you could buy a second one, and after three years you could have a cutter or two. And just think! One day you might be able to build a freezing plant or a smoke house, you might eventually even get your own helicopter for tracing shoals of fish and guiding your fleet of cutters, or you could acquire your own trucks to ship your fish to the capital, and then..."

"And then?" asks the fisherman.
"And then", the tourist continues triumphantly, "you could be calmly sitting at the beachside, dozing in the sun and looking at the beautiful ocean!"
The fisherman looks at the tourist: "But that is exactly what I was doing when you came along!"

It's getting late, and I have been watching an old Making Of video. Memories of Dark Crystal and Return of the Jedi.

Learning the new system for the library. I have to sit in on all the workshops, because (as one of the System Administrators) I have to know a little about everybody's jobs. Busy brain.

Hi Brandon - thanks for Classic Creatures - it was a real blast from the past...

Better day. Had our first real look at the new library system - modern, web-based, it's a revelation. More soon. Meanwhile....

"I am the internet and I am the winternet. And they don't see nothing yet!"

"I am an alien from the other world, from outer space, I don't have no land, no estate, no property, no house. Not on this earth. I live in space - I'm only a visitor here. Some people are only here to collect property. I am here with my suitcase to to collect only the good brains."
"Good evening and greetings to you people of the Universe - this is Lee "Scratch" Perry, the mighty Upsetter, madder than mad, dreader than dread, redder than red, dis ya one heavier than lead. We are here at the turntable terranova, it means we are taking over..."

Here I am, back at work.

Rough day, with the system unstable. Went to lunch at 15.00h (for instance) for 40 minutes.

It would be nice to calm down, at some point, and stop being an emergency service, and be able to offer positive stuff to improve our service (instead of bailing out all the time. Hey Ho. (Quick note while waiting for a process to finish). Bye

We've had a pleasant day or two, but tomorrow we go back to work.

It was good to chat to Habidabad on Yahoo. I still have a little difficulty with Instant Message systems, but the only way to learn is to use them, I guess.

And Hi again to Brandon, Mali and Matthew....

Just to say that Rhiannon and Julie are back, looking admirably brown and relaxed. We have a couple of days to decompress.

We'll be in touch soon - after we have resynchronised our time zones.......

This bit's aimed at Julia, and Keili, and Mali, and other family and friends. Not everything in the blog is for everyone...

I guess the girls are gettting on their plane in Thailand round about now. They'll be back here tomorrow morning. I am doing a bit of cleaning, because, after my initial despair and loneliness, caused by not having the time or money to join them on their trip, I finally got used to being on my own here, and started to enjoy it and perceive it as freedom. (When three weeks had passed - the kind of time most people spend away on holiday - and I found there was another three weeks to go I pulled myself together).

I even started appreciating being on my own. Guess what? I've settled into it now, and their returning will be another upheaval. And a cue for another round of envy. (Before they left I had to get out sometimes when they were going through all the guide books planning. I got over it. Now I will have to look at pictures and hear what I missed). I'll certainly try to be nice about it....

I don't suppose it will even be terribly popular to have published this ambivalence. But, hey, I became a bachelor again (up all night playing on the Internet).

Quick note: email is OK again.

Thanks to HR for the images. Gid hen til på gensyn hurtigt nemlig at drik!

Hello to Habidabad, keep it rolling....

Hi to Brandon - I am looking forward to the trade...

Hi Andrea, see you in Münster

Aurélien - merci pour les images - a bientôt

And a special hello to Julie - I love you, and I'll see you very soon....

Apologies to anyone expecting quick email response. Outlook has just locked on me. I doubt it is the upgrades I just installed (but it's possible - MSN made a real mess last week when it tried to take over Port 25). If so I'll roll the system back. My ISP has, however, announced a problem with email, and it was like this a week or so ago, too, so it may all come good.

Give me time, I am sure I can get it going again, or maybe just pick up my POP mail through other channels (depends if it is Outlook having problems or the server itself).

"There must be some way out of here," said the joker to the thief,
"There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief.
Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth,
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth."

"No reason to get excited," the thief, he kindly spoke,
"There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
But you and I, we've been through that, and this is not our fate,
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late."

All along the watchtower, princes kept the view
While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too.

Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl,
Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl.



Copyright © 1968; renewed 1996 Dwarf Music

Well, I'm scufflin' and I'm shufflin' and I'm walkin' on briars
I'm not even acquainted with my own desires

I'm rollin' slow - I'm doing all I know
I'm tellin' myself I found true happiness
That I've still got a dream that hasn't been repossessed
I'm rollin' slow, goin' where the wild roses grow

Thank Bob - Love and Theft - Bye and Bye

My Blog displays every day with the most recent post of the day at the top (if there is more than one posting) and with the most recent day at the top (that's where you came in).

I am just warning you because my earlier posting today (below) turned into an essay. Off the top of my head, and not yet edited, or annotated with links, but Loooooooong.... Be warned, unless you enjoy this stuff. As it happens, I may be able to mine it for a couple of good bits, so I am going to move it over into the Writings page.

The blog is for trivia, not extended thinking....

Only 8 days before 'les girls' return from Thailand. They have gone to Ko Phi Phi today.

I pretend I am envious, but (being a very timid swimmer) the idea of a place for 'snorkeling, kayaking and scuba diving' is my idea of hell. Especially with sporty people urging and daring you on (it's too much like school macho for a quiet soul like me).

If I was there I would prefer pretending I am a medaeval native, rather than a Californian millionaire out of the tv ads - I'd be walking in the hills, seeking out Buddhist temples and savouring the local plants. Fnord. I could do with the sun, though.

I have never been a 'thrill-seeker', but I am not a coward. I just never had a boring job to get away from. It was thrilling enough to do acrobatic flips, to ride unicycles, walk on stilts, try out tightrope and trapeze. It was scary enough to go and try to juggle in front of an audience every day, and it was terrifying when filming and the director shouted 'Action!'

My idea of bliss was to NOT do anything scary for a few days.

I haven't changed much. I don't get off on speed or danger. I don't drive, or ski, or even ride a bike. A snail's pace suits me fine. (Isn't it funny how negative 'pedestrian' is nowadays - a metaphor for slow, boring and stupid). Everyone wants to be the rich person (with a horse - or a load of horsepower). I am still happy with bipedalism (walking upright on two legs) which served 99% of us just fine for millions of years. Dashing around the planet was just a phase - an extravagant phase - and we are already reducing the need for a lot of our travelling with electronic comunications....I'll let David Attenborough show me the coral reefs, thank you.

Instead of congestion charges in London, to break the gridlock, we could just do what they did in the 40s. Have a poster asking 'Is Your Journey Really Necessary?" Although, as Tim pointed out to me, you just couldn't get petrol then. (Rationing)
This (pub conversation) led to the conclusion that, if this coming war is about petrol, maybe we just shouldn't fight, and let them keep the damned oil...it would solve the gridlock/affluence problem, and we wouldn't have to fight. Yeh, right...

It's nice to make people happy. The Star Wars gang are very interested in the call sheets I found (thin pickings I am afraid).

Yesterday I heard a friend of one of my co-workers is a Labyrinth fan, so he's very excited about seeing the script/storyboards/call sheets etc. I have even kept my crew shirt (it's one of the few that I really liked). And also a few shots of the set/location (when young Keili came to visit). I will have to look through the negatives, as the prints in the envelope are probably not the best ones (they got given away at the time).

Bit by bit (over the years) I have given away my ROTJ and Dark Crystal crew stuff. I couldn't stand the Union Jack on the Roger Rabbit one (British crew), I wore the Little Shop T-Shirt "Feed Me!" to death, and so on.

Hey ho. Anyway, I will be sending copies of this stuff to a couple of people who are interested in the information in the call sheets. My first problem is that Chapter III Productions used non-standard paper, so A4 is too small and A3 is too big (Doh!), and I'll probably have to do it on A3 and then guillotine them. Humph.

Anyone who has wandered in the back streets of my website will have come across links to Bucky Fuller. I am fascinated by him for a multitude of reasons, which I can't cover in a brief paragraph. The links are to encourage your curiosity.

The aspect I want to note today, though, is his faith in the world and the future. It's funny how religious people think that if you DON'T BELIEVE in their god, then you have no faith in anything at all. Atheist almost sounds like 'inhuman'. [Alien] Non-believer (note how all the definitions become negative). Read Bucky, and realise you can thrive on the simple belief that Universe is smarter than you, and means well by you, and will support and encourage you if you are contributing to 'moves in the right direction'.

In my own modest way I have tested this, and it has so far proved true. I have no religion (wasn't given one in the first place - nothing to give up). I have immense faith that I will always have 'enough' . Not because I am an educated, white, middle-class boy - we are not talking smug, here. My dad had no money, no love for money, no ability with money (take your pick). My mum skrimped along as a single parent, but eventually got some kind of fun and reward towards the end of her life. I have always had to live without much visible means of support (no assets, no credit, no savings, no inheritance, etc) - hence my love of zen lunatics, dropouts, romantics, Gypsies, and all sorts of travellers, poets and vagabonds...'singing in the mountains...' (and my obsessive counting on bad days!)

If I was going in the right direction - things turned up. I didn't plan to be in movies. Currently I am poorly paid, and unable to go on a decent holiday, and getting grumpy, but Star Wars conventions have started offering to fly me around and put me up in hotels. See? No real cash involved, but I get what I need. Enough.

[tea break over] 'Back on Yer Heads!'

PS: There's a really great site 'bucky for kids' - check out the 14 concepts and 40 questions - and (maybe) think about them.

Bucky took an inventory of his life and realised he was only successful when he wasn't making money. "You can make money or you can make sense. Each is mutually exclusive." He had nothing against money (or inches, come to that - they're just tools for measuring things) but didn't think it was a useful thing to focus on.

"If I am to believe in myself and the validity of my own ideas,
I must stop thinking as other people told me to
and rely on my own experience."

It's a funny thing - writing. I love it. It's only when you try it that you realise how very clever 'great writers' are. I can't even write 500 words in an email without the possibility of misunderstandings ((hence Smileys - I know I know).

You don't see Shakespeare using three exclamation marks!!!

I don't see any Smileys in The Bible. (Ah, but maybe that explains why we are all still fighting...)

What a busy day! Back to work after a week. The system wasn't running that smoothly, but (when I couldn't fix it) I found a man who could.

Then Paul (officially on leave) came in 'just to check something out' (that's how it is with computer holidays), and we talked about the new system. Went for lunch, and the post, at 4pm - but coming back with a sandwich I found a woman collapsed on the marble stairs, and I was the official First Aider on site. By the time I had dealt with the Accident Book, and the computers, I was ready for an evening off.

I installed the new MSN, to try to be helpful to friends, but it blocked Port 25 and all my normal Outlook functions were locked out. It took me a little angry time to reset that. Then, I got online with HR about conventions (via Yahoo). He and John C are helping a lot with this accelerating field.

Andrea, from Germany, contacted me today about a convention next month. Phew! On we go. I'd better go send her a cv.

Another weekend stuck in the house. Under the weather. Did a fair amount of cleaning today. Whoopee!

Back to work tomorrow, having not seen the place for over a week! Almost feels like a holiday. I may be back long enough to let people know I am sick. Hmm. The problem with a computer network is that ideally there is ALWAYS someone on call to monitor it (and if it busts and they can't fix to at least let the right people know it's down ASAP). With me and the guy I work alongside both using up our leave before April, we will hardly meet, and cover is thin. I mean - which day of the six day opening shall I take off? That day the library has to run itself.

I know this stuff is trivial (Latin roots - trivia - everyday three legged pot) but I also know it is published widely (however dull), and as I am writing for family as well as myself, fans as well as (no doubt) people who don't like me, or people who don't know me, I am inhibited about what I can and can't include. I'd like to do my cynical stuff, (just been watching Mark Thomas on late night TV) but am I a role model for young minds? I'd like to do my cheerful stuff about the future, but does that just make me a naive hippie who never grew up? It's very hard to say, and perhaps I will set up somewhere else to do that stuff - a pseudonymous column.

Just feeling sorry for myself (colds do that, as does knowing other people are somewhere else, having fun!) I mostly cure envy by overload - wanting to be just about anybody else but me -- let's face it, if you did win the lottery you could spend your life in the sun. You could travel in luxury (though I guess you'd still get searched at American airports). You might be able to buy the seasons you live in, and the buildings, and (perhaps) even the company you keep.

Equally, you could be born in Mexico or Thailand and not know anything else. You get the sun and the novel life-style thrown in. But are you happy? Or do you dream of living in England?

eyes-runnin', nose-streamin', sneezing, cottonwool head, sore throat and probably a temperature....

The good old British cold. I don't understand, if these things are viruses, what is it about getting chilled that makes us vulnerable to them (and are they everywhere waiting?) Or is it just the public transport exposure?

Hey ho - I don't think I can make it to the party, being Woozy and Dizzy and at least three other of the seven - and I am not sure how fair it would be to go and sneeze all over everyone, anyway (whatever they say).

Mary Lee's Corvette on Bob Harris, singing the whole of Blood on The Tracks at a club in The States. Tackling Bob's own Buckets of Rain..... [Use Listen Again and look at the Playlist to skip...]

Life is sad
Life is a bust
All ya can do is do what you must.
You do what you must do and ya do it well,
I'll do it for you, honey baby,
Can't you tell?

Copyright © 1974 Ram's Horn Music

Invited to a circus party tomorrow - arrive early and play with the families and kids - arrive later for the adult bit. I'm still on leave and re-arranging the house, but I guess I'll get there for the late bit, anyway.

You have to understand what the circus means to me.

[Given that Houdini is currently being sold as a metaphor for 'Escape' for the working classes and immigrants during the Depression.]

Just enjoyed a tv prog about Houdini. Excellent. Bettter notes later.

Listening to Paul Jones' latest Blues prog on bbc.co.uk. [Use Listen Again] I love it. (missed it, still got a week to listen to it).
[Click Play to hear the prog - or click four skips in the playlist to hear the following track]

Just heard:

Got you on my mind
Feeling kinda sad and low
Got you on my mind
Feeling kinda sad and low
Wondering where you are
Wondering why you had to go

Title : Got You On My Mind’
Artist : John Greer
Album : The R&B Hits of 1952
Label : Indigo IGOTCD 2532

Apologies if there is any delay in answering emails. My ISP has an intermittent fault which is preventing me from getting to my ntlworld email accounts. Hey ho.

Drifting into the world citizen - here I am at 4.30 a.m. in the UK, roaming the house in the small hours - and for K in LA it is just approaching midnight, and for J in T it's 11.30am.

Can I go to bed right now?

It's like the time I spent in Sweden in perpetual night. Living by the clock with no signs from nature. 24 hour dark.

"It's been a tough struggle. But don't think it hasn't all been worthwhile. Because it hasn't. It's made a happy man very old."

Ronnie Scott in "Some of my Best Friends are Blues"

And now I'm at home base. On my travels, I've found some stuff from Dark Crystal and Labyrinth (scripts and call sheets) and also a couple of ROTJ call sheets, so I let HR and Brandon know.

It's strange stuff - to go through an old box of stuff and find things I thought were lost for good. Anyway.

Saw Judith for some walks, and also visited Glenda, who is having a hard time (private).
It was great to see you after all this time - and I really do empathise, Glenda.

Julie is finally moving off the islands, and back to the mainland. One day we'll compile a diary, but I haven't got any pix. Sorry.

It was good to hear from Keili, too.

Lots of love to Julie out there - be seeing you soon............................................................ Toby

I've been in Somerset for a few days - had some long walks - on the way back now. Just stopped into Nether Stowey library to check out the emails....

Coming to the end of my 57th journey around the sun. Feeling a bit more cheerful today.

What a long strange trip it's been.

I mostly live a simple life. After years of ups and downs and turbulence and insecurity and self-employment I settled for a steady job. It's low paid but interesting. It's in a small city where I don't have to use a car. I have accepted the constraints and limitations of this way of life, as a necessary step. Sometimes you need edges. I don't mind my reduced options.

I love Julie, my partner, dearly - and it is she who has made a comfortable life even feasible for such a slouch as me.

Last year I had my birthday in Hawaii (I didn't tell anyone) - the first time I had left the UK for 15 years!
This year it is her turn to be on the other side of the planet on 'the big day' [I am not pumping up my birthday, I don't care much, to be honest]. No, the BIG DAY is St Valentine's Day - a day for lovers. How silly that we keep spending it apart.

Here's another side to websites. Two of Mick's friends have got in touch, because they were using the Web to arrange a reunion of RAF buddies, so it was helpful (but sad) that I had posted a page up about him. I should really try to get some of his writing posted too...

The timing places it into the slightly odd category, as I went to Pete's funeral only recently (and I remet Pete at Mick's funeral, back in 1994, after not having seen each other for years). Feeling pretty mortal with these peer group members dying...So that's goodbye Reilly, goodbye Pete, and a fresh farewell to Mick.

All this and loneliness too:

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No, no, no

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do
I'm so tired, my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do
You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke
It's doing me harm, you know I can't sleep
I can't stop my brain, you know it's three weeks
I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

There's a lyric wandering through my head, from Lee 'Scratch' Perry, but sticking it in google seems to come up with a connection to Ghandi (I haven't done any further research yet:

There's enough for all our need
But not for all our war, sloth and greed

Hey, I'm not just niggling about money and cars on a personal scale here - have you checked out the worldometers?

look at those cars and bicycles and computers proliferating.

Or check out the lightning strikes.................

Oh Joy!

Ever since I got onto the Web, and started a website, I have been chasing down old friends (not via school sites!). It's not so difficult, with people in Show Business and all, but it has still been quite frustrating at times.

Equity (the performers' union) does not allow two people with the same name in the business, but they're not world wide. I was lucky to have an (almost) unique name. [Now I now there is small boy Toby Philpott out there, and also a Lib-Dem candidate [possibly the same person who is doing business studies in Durham - but Dave Gorman I am not].

Anyway - Justin Case was quite an influence on me taking show biz seriously (rather than just being a street urchin), but I haven't (until now) been able to track him down, as several other people (or their parents!) had the same bright idea for a name. I just did!

I received a random email from Mr Jules, mentioning someone by that name on the tele, so I tried harder (in my tea-break) and just found the original Justin, with a glittering career! Yahoooooooooooo! His cv is here (you'll need Adobe Acrobat Reader, at least.)

At least the Internet Movie Database has him down as Justin Case I....not to be confuse with the musician or the porn star......

One more good Bucky Link - Guinea Pig B

or for the fuller flavour (sic), try here

They knew it was dangerous

John Glenn, first American to go into orbit, was asked what went through his mind while he crouched in a rocket nose cone, waiting for blast off, the astrophysicist Sir Martin Rees recalled grimly this week, in the wake of the Columbia disaster. Glenn replied: "I was thinking that the rocket had 20,000 components, and each was made by the lowest bidder."

Guardian Online Science Update

G. K. Chesterton's Pan-Utopian Flaw

"The weakness of all Utopias is this, that they take the greatest difficulty of man and assume it to be overcome, and then give an elaborate account of the overcoming of the smaller ones. They first assume that no man will want more than his share, and then are very ingenious in explaining whether his share will be delivered by motorcar or balloon."

The deepest level of the problem might be defined as "unbalanced concentration of wealth" resulting from society's split between those with time and no money, and those with money and no time. an interesting politician - libertarian right? - TimeSizing

Week 2 has just about finished. Only a month to go (I can't believe I said that).

This Small World thing is a bit strange. When I was a kid, adults who had travelled had mostly done it as part of serving during the war (France, Italy, North Africa, Malaya, etc). Then, as cheaper flights came in, poorer people started doing Spain, and so on. Later, cheaper flights meant that people started taking exotic holidays further afield. Still, once you get to Australia you are already on the way back. That was as far as you could go. After that, people had to look for more exotic options.

Don't want to be a tourist? Be a 'real traveller' with a backpack and an open-ended agenda.

Too many places on the Lonely Planet are now catering for people who don't 'think they are tourists'? Go off and live with the natives.

Of course, there are always paradoxes in these things. Tourists do bring in money that poorer countries need. The people going native, however, (like the first missionary or anthropologist) MAY be doing more harm in corrupting the innocent paradise they came to find. There are no easy answers to these things. I originally saw planes as likely to open up the planet to us all, but then I was a poor hippie, so the option didn't kick in. People with steady jobs (paradox) travelled more often, and further, than I did. What I had lots of was time (not money). I don't regret it. It's as pointless as envying Mick Jagger and the Jetsetters. Do You Sincerely Want to Be Rich?

My pet peeve with the way things went was that, just as I started realising how extravagant (in fuel) planes were (cars are bad enough), everybody decided to mimic the rich. Compared to any of our ancestors, and most of the current population of the planet, we are all incredibly rich. Henry the Eighth would be envious of our palaces and communications and materials. And yet, we are still dissatisfied and restless. I guess that's why peace of mind seemed like the better goal. If you are happy inside, it doesn't really matter where you are. Everywhere is exotic to someone somewhere else, and everywhere is home.

WHEREVER YOU GO , THERE YOU ARE.

So I sit here, as ever, working on my self - and trying to accept my lot, and be satisfied with what I have, and ignore all the attempts of people on the television to make me envious or greedy. They are giving out mixed signals at the moment. Lowering Interest Rates to further stimulate consuming rather than saving (a slightly desperate ploy) - throwing a war (always creates a few jobs) - and I am finding it difficult to even write this stuff because of my lack of neutrality. Since getting a steady job I see these things a bit differently. Let's face it, I even have a (small) credit line now - and potentially I could borrow all of next year's wages. Quite what I would live on next year, though, I am not sure... (the year after's?)

Sorry about the rant. Living alone does make me return to my obsessions, and being a dog I worry at these things... (I remember giving my dog a big bone once, when he had been living on dog food, and he gnawed and worried away at that bone continuously for over 24 hours (with little sleep) until he cracked it, and got to the marrow. That's what I mean by worrying - not that helpless neurotic fretting about stuff you can't change. It's like the fun I had when I was young, disentangling balls of string (the Rubik's Cube of the impoverished Fifties?) provided by my mum (you never threw anything away when living with scarcity).

We were so poor, that untangling string was fun.....

(follow link to source of text) Bucky lost his business and a lot of his friend's money and was so upset he considered killing himself and wondered if he was more valuable to his family dead. He realized that he was valuable to Humanity and decided to live his life in a way to benefit mankind. He took an inventory of his life and realised he was only successful when he wasn't making money. "You can make money or you can make sense. Each is mutually exclusive." "If I am to believe in myself and the validity of my own ideas, I must stop thinking as other people told me to and rely on my own experience." He changed his approach to life, determined to reform man's environment, rather than people themselves. He decided to embark on "an experiment to discover what the little, penniless, unknown individual might be able to do effectively on behalf of all humanity." He called this experiment Guinea Pig B. He set out to study principles and "Proof of Concept" artifacts which proved that you could do "More with Less."

Here's a nice quote from Bucky Fuller, which sums up the kind of stuff I am 'worrying' at just now - for a written piece I never finished.

"There is enough for everyone.
People think that there isn't enough,
so they get as much as they can,
so many people don't have enough."

It's a week and a half into 'being alone', and I seem to be calming down. I was bouncing off the walls last week, and howling at the moon. The agony has (for the time being) passed. I am still in a slightly odd state of mind (so nothing new there, then). It's a funny old year so far - not the easiest, but with a lot more hope in it than I had same time last year (I think).

It's just a matter of getting through this dark, glum part of the season. The day was bright but short. Anyway, I have a day off tomorrow. If you wonder why I should write such trivia, it is because I am signalling to different people. I don't mean I am doing stuff in code, simply being oblique. Sometimes I really use Oblique Strategies.

Nice bright days in Cardiff - but so frosty that I (and several others) couldn't walk up the slope on the footbridge, as it was covered in ice. Comedy walks both up and down, with people clinging to the railings.

Although I still feel a little bit sad that I am not on the adventure, the truth is that I quite like my little life. I know there are a dozen countries I'd like to see, and a thousand people to meet, and several other jobs I'd like to have a go at, but as I get older all these things seem to fade into a gentler perspective. Most of those will now remain fantasies forever - or, better, virtual realities.

I have been everywhere with David Attenborough's nature programs, got in close, seen more, and done minimal damage to the habitat (unlike, say, tourism usually does). Virtual anthropology has its virtues, as does virtual nature watching. People watch cooking and gardening and travel programs, sport, circuses and even sex. You name it - we watch it and pretend that it's us being there, doing that......some of us really do, and the rest pretend or imagine.....

I just got the first message from the 'girls on the road' of things being less than perfect (storm brewing and getting ripped-off). This immediately made me feel protective (but helpless, of course). During the first week my emails have probably been self-pitying and whingeing, but that's just childish stuff about it 'not being fair' - other people sunning themselves as I slog into work through the British winter every day.

My (Chinese) New Year's Resolution is to only send cheerful and supportive stuff from now on (and I'll keep my own 'poison log' at home to dump the sulky, bitter, grumpy stuff into).

Happy Chinese New Year! This is the year of the sheep/ram (or The Year of The Black Sheep, as one website has it...)

Well, OK, but it's as meaningful as any of those other (Christian) calendar countdowns..........

Saturday at the computer room desk. Quiet day so far, and I am pottering sufficiently to allow myself the luxury of nipping in here to scribble some notes to self.

I watched Minority Report last night - paranoid Scientologist against the modern world - with thingy as our tight-lipped hero (Tom Cruise) - and what to do with a psychic sidekick. Great special effects.

The art site I came across is still producing treasures, today I spotted Summerhill, and some haiku by Issa. I took on the assignment to write my life out within 24 hours. I gave it about 3 hours(eventually) but it was an interesting experiment. A bit uncomfortable (the things put in and the things left out) and I already see a proofing goof, but hey ho, perhaps I just shouldn't tell anyone about the site.....

Back at work, and got an email from Jules asking if I really am going to get to Amsterdam, or was just playing with the idea. I guess it's a good enough plan to break up this 'tired behind the eyes' feeling that I live with at the moment. I know I didn't have a proper holiday since last February (that could be something to do with it!), and emotional times make me sleepy [it's an evasion, if you're negative, or nature's own Valium if (like me) you think your bodymind knows what it is doing, and how to do it....] A touch of the hibernations, too.

Shaved my beard off last night - to mark the day. I have often cut my hair or shaved the beard as a 'marker'....of course, some people at work react and others don't. At least somebody came up with 'It makes you look older' today - which I liked, although it thwarts my own (tired old) response to 'looking younger' - 'of course I look younger, I look as though I haven't reached puberty!'

Whether I manage to keep shaving long enough for Julie to enjoy it in March, I have no idea. It grew out in three weeks abroad last year. Mike in the Leisure Dept (long scraggly beard and short hair) says he often gets asked if he is Jewish or a Muslim...and I pontificated about this clean-shaven thing being Christian (dating back to when the Roman soldiers brought it over here) - with pagans and barbarians being hirsute. Just another of the less than sensual aspects of Christianity (although these days people seem more scared of hair than ever before. Guys seem to want woman as smooth and shiny as their car. It figures. Although women seem to be willing co-conspirators in that.

Anyway...Friday coming up, and I have books and videos and DVDs. I have no real reason for feeling lonely...and I used to enjoy being alone...so I guess this is love (Doh!)

It's 2 in the morning. I went to Pete's funeral/wake today. The thunder clapped just before the curtains closed and the country music kicked in....and when we went outside it was snowing for about five minutes.... Nice one Pete.

Then we had a blazing sun in a blue sky to get to The Globe. Once we were safely in the pub (with drinks on Pete) the snow swirled down, and settled, changing everyone's plans a little....

Meanwhile, I hear from Julie in 33ºC out in Thailand.... probably up with the hill tribes now.

A Sad and Lonesome Day.

Yeh, OK I'm playing Bob in the small hours 'Love and Theft' -

and can I just stick in this from the ceremony for Pete, Chris said: (misquoting Mr Dylan with respect):

When I saw Pete say "goodbye" to his friends and smile
I thought that it was well understood
That he'd be comin' back in a little while
I didn't know that he was sayin' "goodbye" for good

Hi everyone (and a big hello to Julia and Eleanor)

I have now heard from Julie, so I know that they arrived safely in Thailand. Only 6 weeks to go (that's just me). We have snow warnings here, and they are in 30 C. Hey ho.

All seasons are available at any time, of course, if you have both time and money available. It's just a matter of taking your bodymind around the spacetime world to experience it. As I get older (and with far less free time - from having a steady job) I reduce my expectations of places I might visit one day. I reduce them every day. They may well remain places of the mind. Thanks to books and TV we all have some idea what these places are like, but still you can never tell what experiences YOU (as an individual) might have if and when you were there in person. That's the adventure.

I never was much of a tourist. I rarely arrived with money to pump into poorer economies. That also means I didn't tempt any rip-offs. I tended to travel to work.

Still, I have a funeral to go to, and may (you never know) meet some old friends in London this week. After that I may try to enjoy my solitude for a while.

PS: I'll find a less silly title when I can...

There has been a bit of a break in transmission, for which I apologise (if anybody reads this regularly). I know family members may log in here, as well as long-lost friends. At the same time, I don't put anything really personal up here, as it is an open door to the world.

In brief, a much beloved dog friend (Finn), belonging to a friend of mine, died a couple of weeks ago. Then a close human friend died two days ago. Right now, my partner Julie is about to set of on a trek around Thailand for six weeks (with her daughter Rhiannon). As you can guess, I am a bit emotional at the moment.

It's great to hear from people who do read this stuff - so please feel free to contact me on bogusmagus23@yahoo.co.uk.

Interaction is still the name of the game. My best wishes go out to all of us - if they are planning to throw another war for oil.

Maybe the Chinese New year on February 1st, can be another turning point and fresh start - The Year of the Goat (Black Sheep?)

Ah well, finally the ftp started working again.

It's getting really cold in the UK at the moment. I think Ali came back from Hawaii the other day, so she must really be feeling it.

The house has gone quiet (carpet went down).

Got an email from Sue Hooven, which reminded me to update my Jabba Links page. Hi Sue!

I still seem to be locked out, and ntl claim their work on the server has been done and any hiccups resolved, but I still can't get in to tinker with the Thought of the Day, or the Lyrics page, or just to change the current (dull) incarnation of the front page.

Ho hum - get a life, I guess...............

Happy new Thing, and a prosperous whatever......

I can't get into my website to change it, so for those of you you may visit - I am a passive reader like you.

Blame the ISP

Cain't do nothing about it...............................

Well, the carpet men didn't come yet. And the floorboards aren't nailed down. And there are guys doing something about the damp in the basement, but there is no guarantee that it will be effective. And (as ever) I am probably glad I do not own property.

Although renting has gone out of fashion, and 'ownership' has come in, it is just a trick of the language. Previously you could rent a place and, if you stayed long enough, acquired some rights to stay. Now you stay, and pay 'rent' to the banks and other money-lenders, and they pretend you already 'own' the house even though they will take it back the minute you stop paying off your 25 year loan. Because I went to the USA at the end of the Sixties (when every one else was going off to live in in India) I saw what happpens. You go from this 'Live Now, Pay Later' form of ownership back into what is effectively renting. Americans seemed to lease cars and houses and whiteware, and so on - as part of their 'mobility' model, if they were going to move they didn't pack it all in a van and take it with them - they dumped it, traded it, passed it on.

For such a materialist culture it was interesting to see how unpossessive they were. It goes with true wealth, I guess. If you are nouveau riche you want the big house and car and clothes, etc. When you are very, very rich you probably don't bother. Personally, I'd travel with just a passport. Why carry clothes when you can buy new ones? Why carry a toothbrush when wherever you stay there will be a fresh one? Why stay in one place when you could afford to keep moving, and hiring what you need when you arrive?

I remember that Bucky Fuller went from owning cars to renting them (in his multiple circumnavigations of the globe) for similar reasons. This hasn't help me convince anybody that this ownership thing is already out of date. You can't tell them it is a gamble and a house of cards. It's like telling people that their ticket will not win the lottery - you're probably right (they even admit it sometimes) but you can't be sure. Well no, I can't be sure things are hopeless, but if I want a glimmer of hope in life it has to be more than a vague promise from a huge corporation that a worthless piece of paper which they have sold me just might turn out to be worth lots!

Still, I guess I am only bitter and impoverished, having not climbed on this particular bandwagon. And like any of my rants against cars and mortgages, and hire purchase - there's an old fashioned term for what we now call ownership (it used to be more obvious that you were renting something up until the day you had paid the capital costs, at which point the owner might not want it back, used, and could afford to 'let it go' to you) - it's all considered to be 'sour grapes' rather than despairing humour.

Had a quiet holiday for a couple of days. Carpet layers arriving tomorrow.

Now listening to Jerry Mander on the PC (while I write) - one of those great thinkers that I love. I highly recommend that you investigate, at least, his book 'Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television', which I read decades ago, and it only becomes more relevant as time passes.

I don't want to be a Luddite (its a pejorative term), but in many ways I am. I don't like cars, or know how to drive, or even aspire to drive. I have now joined the computer world (mostly as a research and writing tool).

We are all compromised - but at least we can make our own choices about our level of involvement.

I was a bit disappointed, in my tea-break, to put 'atheist christmas' into Google hoping to find a little like-mindedness, and finding instead a bunch of atheists explaining why it's OK for them to be celebrating Christmas anyway (it's secular, it's family, it's pagan, it's historical - it's memories of their childhood, etc).

Doh! I guess it really will have to be a Buddhist Retreat next year. I've already done the research. But then again, how hypocritical is it for me to zoom off and meditate and so on, when I am not a Buddhist either!

At least Jews don't tell me off for not celebrating Channukah......

And then, the final bizarre touch - all the Google pages of Christians who don't celebrate Christmas because of its pagan roots!

It was a real joy, and a relief, to finally come across the Xmas Resistance Movement, and even such a simple letter as Why I Don't Celebrate Christmas.

They call this Christmas Eve. In Europe (notice how the British still don't think they are part of Europe) - well, OK, 'on the mainland' they open their presents tonight.

Don't forget to show how much you love someone by how much debt you are willing to go into, to give them something unnecessary.

Don't forget to consume far more than normal, so that you feel bloated and uncomfortable. Ideally, eat things you don't normally eat, and drink alcohol, even if you don't usually.

I guess all this started when I found that even my household (I grew up as a vegetarian) used to have a dead bird on the table at Christmas (for relatives). How can I offer meat-eaters a glimpse of how that felt? How about a baked dog with an apple in it's mouth? Pretty horrible, anyway (although the cat used to like it).

And then there was the State Religion aspect of it. This is what people believed if they were good citizens. It was irrelevant what a small boy thought about it - what a transparent hoax the whole story is - more improbable than the Tooth Fairy (and I am not talking Santa here). Compulsory Belief. Well, to me, you can't make anybody believe things. You can make them confess, admit or falsely claim to believe, if you are the Spanish Inquisition, but you can't (I believe) make people truly believe anything.

Ho hum. I am just using this for my rant, so I can clam up 'in real life' and not spoil people's parties. Then all I have to get through is that 'Oh you shouldn't have, I didn't get you anything' bit, and the 'no, no not for me thank-you, I've had enough' and the sentimentality and the envy, and the anti-climax...the pause...and then that whole New Year's schtick as well...and I'll be able to relax.

Well, the season is almost upon us now. I guess I may have to join in with the party game I mentioned before. This seems to involve the shops and warehouses piling up every bit of tat they have, and us all going round collecting it all up and redistributing the stuff around the city. Every household does is duty - taking in all the forlorn objects, nick-nacks, bits of furniture, plastic toys, etc. The object is to rehouse ALL the stuff by Christmas. I feel guilty every time I see an unsold item now - I can't look them in the eye. Left on the shelf. I can't even say 'I can't afford you' as I pass by on the other side, because this is the season of over-indulgence, 'treating' yourself, going wild, nothing to pay for a year, zero interest credit, reckless spending, etc. (sorry, delete that last one, it sounds negative).

Of course, you need tokens and tickets to play, but they'll lend them to you, so there's no excuse if you simply can't afford it.

And guess what happens if we successfully find a home for EVERY GI Joe and bottle, every wicker work chair and DIY tool, every game and every piece of jewellery - that's right, they fill the stores back up with CHEAPER stuff for the sales. And the Sales are not in January nowadays, they start on Boxing Day.

In fact, I am told, I will not even be able to wander around the wreckage on Christmas Eve (as I used to) - picking among the flotsam and jetsam - the shop-soiled, customer-ransacked shelves - amid the weary assistants praying (religiously) for the end - unable to find the colour or size I want, of course - until finally BLISS - it's too late, and everything closes.

Nope. No peace - they are pumping up Christmas Eve with 'early Sales'... And they are going to have open hours throughout the holiday. I despair, I really do.

Happy Solstice every pagan!

Anyway, where was I? I don't know what to buy the woman who has everything, but I wander around without a thought in my head. I know the world is full of wonderful gizmos, but do we really need any more things?

"Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste...." Actually, I can't compete in the wealth range of presents because they are all designed to be bought on credit for future earnings. And as for taste, well I have rarely successfully bought anything pretty, or fragrant, or stylish for anyone (especially women). Taste is a tough and personal area. It's why I prefer book tokens to books...

Anyway, Shop Surly for Christmas might be my slogan, except for the fact that I am a reformed man. After a long stressful period of my life I am resolved to cheer up. I have always preferred putting on the attitude, putting on the style. Optimism is a tactic.

I just can't get rid of my wider world view. Last week we were all walking around looking at concentrations of objects in shops, and now most of those objects are scattered throughout the surrounding buildings. Shops empty, Houses full.

And somehow this is all supposed to keep us employed and affluent. It was OK when I was a performer, and could milk the season for which people wanted 'hired jollity'. I had plenty of goodwill for people (once I got over the temptation to do children's parties!)

I never was a very good 'punter'.

Definitely more energised.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am tired of trying to defend Astrology as a useful, mythical, psychological language (a jargon) even, I would say I was enjoying the Sagittarian influence, galloping around and aiming high. Think about a Centaur with a bow and arrow....

Anyway. Over the early Winter slump, and running around like a mad thing. I just went over to a neighbours house, to a computer which wouldn't talk to them, even.

Went into DOS (that feels like speaking Latin) and saved their documents, and then did the *full, automatic re-install and restore* which came with Packard-Bell and it put back Windows ME, and all the Works, with nothing much more than observation from me.
Still, young Arran was sitting beside me, so I was trying to get the family data through DOS and explain what I was doing - when I was never that fluent in DOS anyway, and the keyboard was odd and hid the ~ (tilde) - DOH!

Finally it re-installed everything (including the junk which came with the package).

I left it with a boy willing to kick out the programs he doesn't want, and re-arrange all the stuff. Great! I never really believe I can do this stuff. It takes too long, of course, when you are going cautiously - but it is a great feeling of success when the system all comes up again.

A much better few days, recently. I feel happier and healthier. Last night, Ben and I started to play with Movie Maker and the webcam, and he made a short movie of a sketch he had done at school (in mime, but he later added narration), and I caught various clips of him dancing, etc, which I later compiled into a rave clip... It's the way to learn....

Also spoke to Michael Nielsen yesterday. Nice to hear from him (and be forgiven for missing an appointment!) He did point out (discretely) that people at Jedicon didn't think much of the quality of image I had in my pictures - true (I agree), and I already acknowledged it on the day, but there was little I could do. Keili and I did Photoshop tweaks to the low rez images I had, and the printer was miles away, so I couldn't get a sample. I'll learn. Meanwhile, apologies to anyone who did buy one of these unsatisfactory prints (signed). The only thing I can say is that they will remain rare (early and imperfect) items from my first ever public show. By the time I have got high gloss pictures and posters and cards (like most other people who do conventions) these will turn into rare treasures...(maybe)

And yes, I have lots left, if you want to email me for a cheap souvenir (and we can arrange postage, etc). Of course, they would be unsigned - because it would be unfair to the people who came to Jedicon to devalue what they have bought in good faith. If you want one signed (and the Jabba pointing finger seems OK, even if the Princess Leia pic is not too good), then the standard rate seems to be £10. I will also sign your own stuff for £5 if you send it to me - but you send it at your own risk (and please email me that it is on the way - so if there are any problems we will know. I would hate people to be waiting for something to come back which I haven't even received).

For this Star Wars stuff, it is best to email me on

jabba.hutt@ntlworld.com

All the best everybody.....

'It's just bad luck that Friday is so often the 13th'

I hope none of you suffer from triskaidekaphobia (fear of 13s) or tridecaphobia (as some dictionaries give it).

It's beginning to freeze here, now. Really bleak weather. I've put my long-johns on today - not glamorous, I know, but they work!

Saw Mr Jules in the library [if that link to his page is a bit slow, try this link to one of his agents] - but I didn't get to juggling or the pub afterwards. I'd lit a fire and opened a bottle of wine, and was watching the current David Attenborough on Mammals...herbivores (my veggie buddies) or 'plant predators' as he called them.

Going to the convention meant I had time off work without any rest - so I am a bit shattered at the moment - and just want to hibernate. Still, it was fun, and a distinct change of routine. [Yes, Wayne, I did get Mike Q to sign your cards, they're on the way].

Bits of me still seem to ache. I have a kind of RSI in my right hand/arm, from mouse use and abuse...so I switched the buttons, and am using mouse left-handed, both in work and at home. Now my left arm hurts too! Doh!

Just gotta find some other activities.

Well, I am back from Jedicon. First of all a big apology to HR, as I really did try to get across town to meet up, but had a slight emergency arise, and then it all went out of control!

It was nice to meet everybody on Sunday - and to be able to give people a bit of time. The official Q&A sesion was a bit sluggish, but the people who came to meet me in person were great - so thanks for making me welcome at my first (but perhaps not last) convention.

And a particular big hello to Mike Quinn and John Coppinger and Michael Nielsen. Nice to see you!

I got an email from Aurélien Lukowski this morning, who has connections with a Star Wars shop in Paris. I am sending him some pictures, and he has invited me to visit next May...

Pretty exciting, as I haven't been travelling for a while. It will be fun to be in Paris again, and with a purpose (I always prefer that, I was never a very good tourist...)

Hi Aurélien!

I figured I should try to borrow back my crew shirt, for a picture, and yeh, has been is a joke....(you can also find it on the Home Page - click to enlarge).

When I said how many people would offer serious money for it, I think Tim (who owns it now) got a bit worried it wouldn't come back to him! Basically, it sat in cupboards and drawers for years, in 'almost new' condition (because I can't wear synthetics), and when Tim heard about it he was so excited I handed it over. Unlike me, he has actually worn it, lived in it and worked in it. It's pretty battered now, but I was never a hoarder, and I prefer things to be used. Apologies to all the collectors out there.

Steve Langfield contacted me for a picture for his fanzine Coruscant Skyline so I dug out a couple of old ones, and took a quick pic in the den. It's getting close to Jedicon now, and I am getting a little bit wired with anticipation and not knowing quite what I am walking into.

I just know I know so little of the Star Wars world.

I just rang Keili, and he was sitting on a plane at Heathrow, about to take off ..... off to hotter climates ...

To add to all the chaos of the last few weeks, I had some post go astray. Wayne Boulton (click on his name to go to his good-looking Star Wars collectors' website) contacted me, and sent some Star Wars stuff to sign. It didn't arrive, so I emailed him and asked around the house. For a while it seemed as though other post might have gone astray. As we've got the builders in, it was all too possible, with the street door open a lot. Now we seem to have accounted for everything except Wayne's package, so I can only assume it disappeared somewhere in between. I used to love snail mail as a kid - and I never had losses or late deliveries - I thought it was brilliant.

Now I am not so sure. Someone wonderful sent me a £50 note on my 50th birthday (knowing I was down on my luck) and it never arrived. I have heard other stories of cash going astray - I have no idea how, unless someone has a detector which picks up the metal strip. It's possible my pressie was sealed like a birthday thing, and looked potentially valuable, but it is sad to think that that reliable way of getting things around has gone. Old man stuff, I guess - "It's not like it was in my days...."

Phew, slightly happier. Is this news?

It's still a rough ride at the moment, but I guess I have to report both the ups and downs.

Keili was rather ill yesterday (infection of the inner ear) and we ended up running around to an out of hours doctor. Then miscommunicating a bit with Julie about a lift, and finding ourselves wandering about in a taxi trying to cash a prescription. Finally reached a 24-hour superstore with a pharmacy. Keili ran inside while I waited with the cab, chatting. I saw a mate called Dave climb into the car in front...and just as I was thinking 'small world' I saw Julie cruise by - she had not got my cancellation message and had gone to the surgery who told her where we were going. I didn't manage to flag her down, and by the time I got to a public phone to ring her mobile she was on the way home. Doh!

A lot of us went to The Oak for an end of the day drink, as they are changing management after many years.

I then had a very bad night and a very good night and it's none of your business.

There was a party last night at Ali's, for the lad. A nice smaller gathering.

I have a new computer game. I play one of my music tracks, and at the same time go off to the Web to try to find the lyrics so I can sing along with it. I've never shown any real talent for singing (I certainly don't karaoke), but I like the sensation in my chest, so I carry on doing it, but it is just for my own amusement really. And now I have found and marked a few key lyric sources, the hunt is not so difficult every time. It's one of the reasons that I have not got into 'computer games', as there are so many ways to play with a PC anyway - and if I want puzzles and cryptics to crack, I just have to work on the mysteries of Microsoft...fixing or changing my system and settings. Tougher than killing the villains and grabbing the gold (or whatever they do...)

It was Keili's birthday yesterday, and we managed to find some time for each other. Spoke to Kim on the phone. Had an email from Mali. Family all over the world.

As of yesterday, the UPS in the room I work in has been beeping its alarm (to be fixed Monday!) so I am finding it hard to think, and am finding all sorts of excuses to wander around the building and do work elsewhere. Classic jokes from the cosmos. Stuff comes in clusters. At home the builders are drilling at 7:45 a.m. even on my day off. They are not working today, of course - Saturday - and the house is quiet, so I have to come into the beeping office. Classic.

I had a nice email from Richard, who has a Star Wars page.. When I am a little less jangled by life events I will try to carry on with our chat, but things are both hectic and weird at the moment.

And here's a phrase I heard somewhere recently, I can't pin it down. The rythm of it caught me:

"If I'd known I was doing it for the very last time, I'd have paid more attention"

Is that those iambics again....?

Pete sent me a couple of tough crossword challenges. I found the first quite quickly, but I was stumped by the last. However, while researching I came across John Gay's self-penned epitaph:

Life is a jest, and all things show it; I thought so once, but now I know it.

I like that.

PS: he's most famous for writing The Beggar's Opera

Well, this is why I am getting fed up with 'long-term' illness. I was exhausted over the weekend, (two days off) and just curled up under a duvet with a book. It meant I missed Ali's 40th birthday, which was a real pain (these things only come once). People were up all night laughing I hear, but I was curled up miserable.

Them's the breaks.

I am back at work today, because if I start going off sick with this I will never go back. It's more or less the same every day, so I'll just struggle on, but it's making me feel pretty over the hill - and no-one knows how to fix it. Grind the teeth and carry on......

It was nice to talk to Michael Nielsen again last night. We should be meeting up at Jedicon.

I believe that John Coppinger will be turning up, too. Mike Quinn is flying in from the States. I think Dave Barclay will already be back in the States before the convention, and rumour has it that Mike Edmonds is working in Edinburgh (?) so this probably won't be the great Jabba get-together, but it might still happen one day, now we are all in touch. You never know (my motto).

I just finished a four day First Aid course - imagining all the horrible things that can happen to people. And then imagining that I am the person who is expected to deal with it..... I didn't sleep well, this week. But I passed, and am qualified again.

Keili is still here, helping me with my artwork. I am still enjoying the novelty of bonding with such a great person, and then realising that we really are related...closely. It's a flash. And stories about my own dad sound different when I tell them to him.

Very glum, hibernating weather now, in Cardiff. Cold, wet and windy.

I think I am due for a bit of a holiday soon - having not had a break since I got back from Hawaii in March. Phew! I am pretty tired.

And that's it for trivia thinking again.

¡Hasta la Mañana!

Apologies if my lack of communication continues. I've been a bit ill, and am feeling all of my 56 years, and when I am not working I have been curled up. Some of it is the usual hibernation tendency, some is the chronic pain (two and a half years and running) sliding up to the worse end of the scale, and some plain old misery.

Really, this stuff should be going into my private blog - it isn't important to people who don't have to put up with me each day - but at the same time I am no longer in show business, and all that brave 'Show Must Go On' cheerfulness just isn't needed (or even wanted).
Where I work, if you came in whistling from the rain, people would make sarcastic remarks. Far better to be glum - and that's really easy for me at the moment.

Having a bit of a bad week - if anyone was trying to get through to me. I don't know if it's just anniversary phenomena, for this time of year, or the clocks going back, or Halloween, or whatever. Just the old S.A.D. kicking in.

No doubt I'll pull myself together, meanwhile, please don't take it personally if I am a bit uncommunicative.

More news, when the news gets better. (Who needs bad news?)

I just saw an article about a book which finally sounds like a psychologist who understands me. She is talking about defensive pessimism - a strategy, not an illness. The opposite of all that bright-eyed optimism (which can only get disillusioned). Of course, fundamentally, I seem to have a great deal of faith in Universe or Nature, or whatever you prefer to call it - but from day to day I don't think it is a good plan to be cheerfully ignorant. I use the aphorism of the conjuror who said he didn't fully know his act until 'everything that could go wrong, had gone wrong'. And I know that all that 'confidence in the markets, or the house prices, etc' is a confidence trick, a house of cards.

It's true that housing is becoming endlessly more valuable, but to me that is partly because of the population explosion, and partly because of the infinite credit (debt) that has been offered out (so that we are no longer slaves to landlords and rent, just slaves to bankers and mortgages). I must try and work out the difference one day (apart from the fact that it was easier to move or be moved in the days of renting....)

Anyway, enough of all that.

Ah, Saturday. And back into work. Cold and windy in Cardiff, now - although not raining, as in the last few days. Winter is definitely upon us. Julie is looking at brochures for Winter Sun, and fully intends to go cruising, I think. I can't go, not having the time or money, but I hope she enjoys it - after all, I got to Hawaii in February this year, and, although a two week break felt like a bit of an anti-climax to me ( who never previously had 'holidays' as I was, for most of my life, on what Ian Dury called the "4,000 week holiday") it was still worth it.

Keili brought his mate Ian around today. We squashed into my den for a bit, and rattled a few ideas around. I am still having troubles with the PC (which was pretty smooth for my first few months of XP). Whether it is the security updates, or what, I don't know. Windows Media Player doesn't seem to want to play DVDs from work. The damn PC is still dialling out of its own accord at times (luckily, I don't pay by the minute) which is still spooky, as I can't see any scheduled tasks, and have no idea which bit of software is doing it, or whether I have a nasty little bug in there somewhere.

Fortunately, anyone who thinks I am worth cracking into - some sort of Star Wars star with a big bank account, or any secret diaries - is much mistaken. I have no property, little credit, and no secrets. It's a pretty dulll little life if you are wandering around in here. I was, am and will remain lowlife. That I got lucky here and there is only fair, I reckon.

I started a boring day-off with a bit of cleaning. Then Michael came online, and I stopped my dull cleaning job to find him working on activating his Webcam. We had a really good hour sorting that out, until we could see each other, type words, or talk live.

Nice one, Michael! Sorry I didn't get back online later. Things happened.

Back to work tomorrow, but I learned something new, and that is ALWAYS good. Keeps you young....

Hello everyone - I will TRY to be online, but if I even HAD a mobile phone I would probably keep it switched off, because I like my ALONE time. Great though communication is, I like to be alone with my thoughts, too.

A FIRST! I had been emailing Michael Nielsen about the SciFi convention, and he asked if I was using any online messaging (after we exchanged a flurry of emails, almost in real time). I said no, but started installing MSN Messenger, just to experiment. We started with typing, then I wanted to try talking, so we switched to Yahoo Messenger, and got the microphone going. We don't have the webcam connection going yet, but it was a blast to see how it was all done. My computer did lock up eventually, but hey...

Another thief of time, no doubt - after chatting for a couple of hours I thought that (after avoiding the mobile phone invasion, for so long) I might be opening the door to being permanently out in the market place, chatting, instead of alone with my thoughts. Still, I will give it a try. I just keep remembering the thing I put on a poster for a children's project for the Millenium.

It started with "How long would it take to count up to 1000, at one number per second? 17 minutes.
A Million? 12 days. A (US) Billion? 32 years.

So it would take 192 years just to say Hello to all 6 Billion people on the planet right now!"

It looks like I am going to do my first Star Wars Convention on December 8th.

1st World Appearance at Jedicon in Basildon UK

Went up to London on Friday. Judith followed on Saturday. We had a nice day, in spite of the rain; met Jean in the pub, and went to a delightful Spanish Restaurant, but the combination of drinking several pints first and then eating left me (speaking for myself only) feeling like a snake that swallowed a pig, so rather than more pub, I voted to go homeward - and we ended up watching Harry Potter on Pete's huge tv with whoosh whizz bang sounds.

Judith made more effort than Pete and myself to make the original plan manifest, and lo and behold, on Sunday morning we found ourselves committed to getting down to the London Eye for 11.30. It was all a bit hectic and confusing collecting tickets, and Pete got disability access (with me as carer) and we got separated from Jean and Judith, and rode alone. The view was terrrific, higher than I had imagined, even. I think Pete enjoyed it. When we all met up again later, Judith pointed out the Dali Exhibition almost next door, so I went to suss it out, found we could get a wheelchair, and we went and did that too. It was terrific.

All through the day Pete was very brave about the walking...there's some quite longish walks, not just on the South Bank, but even just changing tube trains. We did have an angel help us (in the form of a woman taxi driver who spotted our plight and ran us 250 yards to the right place to be on time). Still, (apart from the moment when I got Pete running up a down escalator by mistake - thereby losing all hope of a carer's badge!) it was worth all the travel and effort to find ourselves having successfully completed the mission.

Yes! [punches the air]

A bit of a wild ride recently. Lots of ups and downs, comings and goings. I am learning a lot at work, right now. I am trying to collate all the material in what we call the Ethnic Dept of the library. This has all the Asian material, in about 16 languages, and it hasn't always been well maintained (not easy with Arabic script, Chinese, Urdu, etc). The new librarian for the department wants to rationalise it, and I decided to get on with learning enough Access to be able to give her my research (done in TCL - a 'programming' language) in a convenient form.

I am still poking around in the library online conference, as the magical Sysop (power!), while we put another group of staff through ICT training. Sue is the tutor, but is very tolerant of my constant flow of interruptions and comments.

Keili ricocheted back from London, after a wild ride of his own (lost the current modelling contact, so feeling a bit stranded, I guess). He has gone to stay at the Circus house for the while. No doubt we will cross paths soon, but I am probably off to London this weekend. Round and round we go.

And the Nortons Subscription wouldn't go in, so I reinstalled until the sign came up 'you have reached your maximum number of installs - contact the firm...) Thanx fellas for the automated response to my urgent request.

Keili is setting off to London tonight - a change that has lurched into view suddenly, and rapidly accelerated. So little time.

I am alone in the computer turret this week (at work, that is) so I do what I can, but I still have large areas of ignorance, and (worse than that) have to pass things through a bureaucracy to people with large workloads and ever-shifting priorities and SLAs.

Phew! Yesterday morning Keili rang to say that my Windows XP computer would not start. I had turned it off the night before (to have a little time in my room without the background hum - that noise I live with all day at work). No joy with its recovery console, but once I had settled down, and taken a deep breath, I reinstalled XP OK, and found all the data intact (even Outlook backup files, when I thought I might have to let all those recent emails go). It took ages to download my Nortons again, and even longer to get all the bits to work.

Anyway, it's back in place, so I haven't got to apologise to contacts this way, as there has been almost no break in service. Yippee!
I am a bit haggard today, though (bed at 5, up at 8).

It sounds as though Keili is heading back off to London to tackle the modelling world again. I may well be going that way myself to fulfil a trip promised by me and Judith to Pete (now he's back out of hospital). We were talking about going up in the London Eye.

Rhiannon, too, is going away - she's off to Greece this evening.

Another Friday at work. I was glad to hear that Pete made it home yesterday, even if the medical community has given him a hard time again. It is Amanda's 40th birthday 'do' tonight, so I will go for a drink or two. Keili is back around, having vanished into mainland Splott for a while. The kitchen is still in upheaval (and apparently the ceiling has to come down!) I still bath while everyone else uses the new shower (nothing like a hot soak for the old aches and pains, and you can't read in the shower...)

It all seems very hectic to me this year, without actually going anywhere. As an old fireside dog I feel sort of chivvied and hustled. When I was a puppy it would have been me bouncing around waiting to 'do' things, but now I just want to curl up and snooze. This is when I REALLY hate youth culture worship - as I am supposed to be aspiring to 'not looking my age' (although I am expected to act my age, I notice).

Growing old as disgracefully as ever. Irresponsible and incorrigible to the last.

Still, with the autumn coming on, and the light fading early, it would be strange not to be doing a little nostalgia for the summer that never (quite) was.

I have just noticed that (when testing the possibility of posting to the blog by e-mail) I sent one from my work mail (Council's version of Outlook) yesterday, and it didn't arrive, even yet. Nor did I get a message back (as happens) about inappropriate use of Council resources or whatever. I'll wait and see.

If anyone wants to know, I did the posting in my teabreak, and it is all (anyway) part of my job to understand the new resources becoming available - right now I am mentoring various members of staff in how to use online conferencing, for instance. So there.

Actually, I don't understand why it would be particularly useful, as most places I could email from would also let me visit Blogger direct. Still, perhaps that curious 'mobile phone' culture out there could use it.

I am a Selective Luddite.

You'd have to understand my delight in Dylan Moran or WC Fields or Diogenes (to name but three) to see why I don't think of my despairing rants as negative.

I WILL delete the tests eventually...meanwhile I think the only way I can use this is to drop random thoughts into it, and then feel so guilty about half-formed thoughts and half-baked ideas that I will feel forced to shape them up.

Last night I reminded Julie that a few weeks ago I was doing one of my rants, and she expressed boredom. I said, flippantly, that I was practising my rants (like Bill Hicks or George Carlin, say) - and her devastating response was, "Yes, but the difference is that you're not funny!"

Actually, she didn't remember any of that, last night.

I realise that I go and on about my main obsessions, and that (as those include capitalism, the folly of mortgages, the horror of cars, the nightmare of a civilization built on debt, etc) she is entitled to feel 'got at'. Hey Ho.

Hardly a prize winning site are we? I have enjoyed the growth of blogs, but only have a little time to explore them.

I enjoyed digging around in the 5k sites, however. That's some achievement! [non-programmer speaking]. If you don't know about this, there is an explanation here

On we go. I am feeling a bit old right now, with Keili here [I am two and a half times older than him, and he's a grown man] - as he and Rhiannon hang out like siblings. On my day off now I can find R on the sofa with the remote control and the phone, and K locked into the computer. I don't quite know how to act, of course, having never been an effective parent figure. I am neither an equal nor an elder. It's all too noisy and bouncy for me - and combined with the building work reminds me what an old buffer I have become, after all...

It comes to us all. At a Travellers Awareness day at the library recently I was reminded that the average life span for male Gypsy/Travellers in the UK - RIGHT NOW - is 54 years...so I guess I am doing well.

The autumn is on its way, the sun sinks lower over the house, and there is less time (almost none) to bask after a working day.

The rains will start all too soon - and the wind, of course. Fireside time coming up. Could be worse. [Like we could lose the roof in the middle of winter. Oh, that IS THE PLAN.] sigh.

You can tell the gloom is upon me - but these are passing clouds. I don't mean to just drag everyone down, but it's a diary, and I go up and down. It's just the way of the bodymind. May you be healthy and happy - and have some fun, all in your own good time.

There. Happy now?

Time flying by. I completely missed my sister's birthday on August 31st. I had a week in which I performed, worked in the library, put up our big top to be the drag queen cabaret for Mardi Gras, worked in the library, then took the tent down again - all while other people were having a National Holiday, etc.

I mised snail mail card, then email on the day, then the belated birthday greeting. Sorry Julia, I hope it was a fine time, and the usual Aquarian apology for missing it completely, while thinking about you throughout the day in question (but that hardly counts, except to an Air sign, I guess.)

Busy times.

Keili is still here, and we are squeezing in some good talks. The building work drags on, but the kitchen is beginning to look pretty amazing (no thanks to me). I still dread the loft conversion (taking the roof off in the winter!)

I must get back into Blogger, and explore some of the wonderful new controls that come with ProBlogger. I can't put this up for competition with so little thought put into the 'look' OR the content. Ho Hum.

I still have three other blogs on the system, a couple of private hidden ones and the previous public one. I should work out how to pull them down and archive or store any of the good stuff.

There's Dog Tired and Bone Weary
Thinking Allowed
and Home from Home

Well, look at this! A month or more has gone, and this is just another dead site on the Web. In my last posting I even managed to leave a dead link to a temporary page of other performers from Cardiff (I've removed it now).

A lot has happened. Keili came to visit, and is still around, which is gr-r-r-r-eat. The circus finished their Sci Circus tour in the little blue tent, and also staged a large-scale community show, ImMortal in their new UFO tent (I was even talked into making a phoney 'contactee' site to back up a letter written to the local press about allowing the UFO tent to be put up on ley lines, or some such nonsense.

I just received a multiple signing picture from Brandon York, which I signed and sent back. I seem to have vaguely committed myself to going to a JediCon in December, as I couldn't make the one in August. 'HR' Nielsen kindly offered to help me make pictures up for signing. He told me all about how conventions work, and then I thought I'd like to play with making the pictures myself, until I found that I don't have any high quality images for printing (they look alright on the Web). I may have to humbly return to him for further help and advice.

Just in passing (and this is NOT a dig at you, Brandon!) people send me International Reply Coupons for which they have paid good money - which I can trade for return stamps. Each one that Brandon sent (for instance) cost him $1.75, but all I get for that is a first class stamp to the States, (47p). That's a big markup for the postal services, and I often end up paying the balance of air mail stamps out of my own pocket. This is fairly typical of my life, when something I do (which should make a profit) ends up costing me!

Back from Glastonbury. There are a few pictures of my mates - Fair Play - freaking people out by being ticket touts INSIDE the festival.

Andy and Jamie are Fair Play.