Anyone who has wandered in the back streets of my website will have come across links to Bucky Fuller. I am fascinated by him for a multitude of reasons, which I can't cover in a brief paragraph. The links are to encourage your curiosity.

The aspect I want to note today, though, is his faith in the world and the future. It's funny how religious people think that if you DON'T BELIEVE in their god, then you have no faith in anything at all. Atheist almost sounds like 'inhuman'. [Alien] Non-believer (note how all the definitions become negative). Read Bucky, and realise you can thrive on the simple belief that Universe is smarter than you, and means well by you, and will support and encourage you if you are contributing to 'moves in the right direction'.

In my own modest way I have tested this, and it has so far proved true. I have no religion (wasn't given one in the first place - nothing to give up). I have immense faith that I will always have 'enough' . Not because I am an educated, white, middle-class boy - we are not talking smug, here. My dad had no money, no love for money, no ability with money (take your pick). My mum skrimped along as a single parent, but eventually got some kind of fun and reward towards the end of her life. I have always had to live without much visible means of support (no assets, no credit, no savings, no inheritance, etc) - hence my love of zen lunatics, dropouts, romantics, Gypsies, and all sorts of travellers, poets and vagabonds...'singing in the mountains...' (and my obsessive counting on bad days!)

If I was going in the right direction - things turned up. I didn't plan to be in movies. Currently I am poorly paid, and unable to go on a decent holiday, and getting grumpy, but Star Wars conventions have started offering to fly me around and put me up in hotels. See? No real cash involved, but I get what I need. Enough.

[tea break over] 'Back on Yer Heads!'

PS: There's a really great site 'bucky for kids' - check out the 14 concepts and 40 questions - and (maybe) think about them.

Bucky took an inventory of his life and realised he was only successful when he wasn't making money. "You can make money or you can make sense. Each is mutually exclusive." He had nothing against money (or inches, come to that - they're just tools for measuring things) but didn't think it was a useful thing to focus on.

"If I am to believe in myself and the validity of my own ideas,
I must stop thinking as other people told me to
and rely on my own experience."

It's a funny thing - writing. I love it. It's only when you try it that you realise how very clever 'great writers' are. I can't even write 500 words in an email without the possibility of misunderstandings ((hence Smileys - I know I know).

You don't see Shakespeare using three exclamation marks!!!

I don't see any Smileys in The Bible. (Ah, but maybe that explains why we are all still fighting...)

What a busy day! Back to work after a week. The system wasn't running that smoothly, but (when I couldn't fix it) I found a man who could.

Then Paul (officially on leave) came in 'just to check something out' (that's how it is with computer holidays), and we talked about the new system. Went for lunch, and the post, at 4pm - but coming back with a sandwich I found a woman collapsed on the marble stairs, and I was the official First Aider on site. By the time I had dealt with the Accident Book, and the computers, I was ready for an evening off.

I installed the new MSN, to try to be helpful to friends, but it blocked Port 25 and all my normal Outlook functions were locked out. It took me a little angry time to reset that. Then, I got online with HR about conventions (via Yahoo). He and John C are helping a lot with this accelerating field.

Andrea, from Germany, contacted me today about a convention next month. Phew! On we go. I'd better go send her a cv.

Another weekend stuck in the house. Under the weather. Did a fair amount of cleaning today. Whoopee!

Back to work tomorrow, having not seen the place for over a week! Almost feels like a holiday. I may be back long enough to let people know I am sick. Hmm. The problem with a computer network is that ideally there is ALWAYS someone on call to monitor it (and if it busts and they can't fix to at least let the right people know it's down ASAP). With me and the guy I work alongside both using up our leave before April, we will hardly meet, and cover is thin. I mean - which day of the six day opening shall I take off? That day the library has to run itself.

I know this stuff is trivial (Latin roots - trivia - everyday three legged pot) but I also know it is published widely (however dull), and as I am writing for family as well as myself, fans as well as (no doubt) people who don't like me, or people who don't know me, I am inhibited about what I can and can't include. I'd like to do my cynical stuff, (just been watching Mark Thomas on late night TV) but am I a role model for young minds? I'd like to do my cheerful stuff about the future, but does that just make me a naive hippie who never grew up? It's very hard to say, and perhaps I will set up somewhere else to do that stuff - a pseudonymous column.

Just feeling sorry for myself (colds do that, as does knowing other people are somewhere else, having fun!) I mostly cure envy by overload - wanting to be just about anybody else but me -- let's face it, if you did win the lottery you could spend your life in the sun. You could travel in luxury (though I guess you'd still get searched at American airports). You might be able to buy the seasons you live in, and the buildings, and (perhaps) even the company you keep.

Equally, you could be born in Mexico or Thailand and not know anything else. You get the sun and the novel life-style thrown in. But are you happy? Or do you dream of living in England?

eyes-runnin', nose-streamin', sneezing, cottonwool head, sore throat and probably a temperature....

The good old British cold. I don't understand, if these things are viruses, what is it about getting chilled that makes us vulnerable to them (and are they everywhere waiting?) Or is it just the public transport exposure?

Hey ho - I don't think I can make it to the party, being Woozy and Dizzy and at least three other of the seven - and I am not sure how fair it would be to go and sneeze all over everyone, anyway (whatever they say).

Mary Lee's Corvette on Bob Harris, singing the whole of Blood on The Tracks at a club in The States. Tackling Bob's own Buckets of Rain..... [Use Listen Again and look at the Playlist to skip...]

Life is sad
Life is a bust
All ya can do is do what you must.
You do what you must do and ya do it well,
I'll do it for you, honey baby,
Can't you tell?

Copyright © 1974 Ram's Horn Music

Invited to a circus party tomorrow - arrive early and play with the families and kids - arrive later for the adult bit. I'm still on leave and re-arranging the house, but I guess I'll get there for the late bit, anyway.

You have to understand what the circus means to me.

[Given that Houdini is currently being sold as a metaphor for 'Escape' for the working classes and immigrants during the Depression.]

Just enjoyed a tv prog about Houdini. Excellent. Bettter notes later.

Listening to Paul Jones' latest Blues prog on bbc.co.uk. [Use Listen Again] I love it. (missed it, still got a week to listen to it).
[Click Play to hear the prog - or click four skips in the playlist to hear the following track]

Just heard:

Got you on my mind
Feeling kinda sad and low
Got you on my mind
Feeling kinda sad and low
Wondering where you are
Wondering why you had to go

Title : Got You On My Mind’
Artist : John Greer
Album : The R&B Hits of 1952
Label : Indigo IGOTCD 2532

Apologies if there is any delay in answering emails. My ISP has an intermittent fault which is preventing me from getting to my ntlworld email accounts. Hey ho.

Drifting into the world citizen - here I am at 4.30 a.m. in the UK, roaming the house in the small hours - and for K in LA it is just approaching midnight, and for J in T it's 11.30am.

Can I go to bed right now?

It's like the time I spent in Sweden in perpetual night. Living by the clock with no signs from nature. 24 hour dark.

"It's been a tough struggle. But don't think it hasn't all been worthwhile. Because it hasn't. It's made a happy man very old."

Ronnie Scott in "Some of my Best Friends are Blues"

And now I'm at home base. On my travels, I've found some stuff from Dark Crystal and Labyrinth (scripts and call sheets) and also a couple of ROTJ call sheets, so I let HR and Brandon know.

It's strange stuff - to go through an old box of stuff and find things I thought were lost for good. Anyway.

Saw Judith for some walks, and also visited Glenda, who is having a hard time (private).
It was great to see you after all this time - and I really do empathise, Glenda.

Julie is finally moving off the islands, and back to the mainland. One day we'll compile a diary, but I haven't got any pix. Sorry.

It was good to hear from Keili, too.

Lots of love to Julie out there - be seeing you soon............................................................ Toby

I've been in Somerset for a few days - had some long walks - on the way back now. Just stopped into Nether Stowey library to check out the emails....

Coming to the end of my 57th journey around the sun. Feeling a bit more cheerful today.

What a long strange trip it's been.

I mostly live a simple life. After years of ups and downs and turbulence and insecurity and self-employment I settled for a steady job. It's low paid but interesting. It's in a small city where I don't have to use a car. I have accepted the constraints and limitations of this way of life, as a necessary step. Sometimes you need edges. I don't mind my reduced options.

I love Julie, my partner, dearly - and it is she who has made a comfortable life even feasible for such a slouch as me.

Last year I had my birthday in Hawaii (I didn't tell anyone) - the first time I had left the UK for 15 years!
This year it is her turn to be on the other side of the planet on 'the big day' [I am not pumping up my birthday, I don't care much, to be honest]. No, the BIG DAY is St Valentine's Day - a day for lovers. How silly that we keep spending it apart.

Here's another side to websites. Two of Mick's friends have got in touch, because they were using the Web to arrange a reunion of RAF buddies, so it was helpful (but sad) that I had posted a page up about him. I should really try to get some of his writing posted too...

The timing places it into the slightly odd category, as I went to Pete's funeral only recently (and I remet Pete at Mick's funeral, back in 1994, after not having seen each other for years). Feeling pretty mortal with these peer group members dying...So that's goodbye Reilly, goodbye Pete, and a fresh farewell to Mick.

All this and loneliness too:

I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No, no, no

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do
I'm so tired, my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do
You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke
It's doing me harm, you know I can't sleep
I can't stop my brain, you know it's three weeks
I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind

There's a lyric wandering through my head, from Lee 'Scratch' Perry, but sticking it in google seems to come up with a connection to Ghandi (I haven't done any further research yet:

There's enough for all our need
But not for all our war, sloth and greed

Hey, I'm not just niggling about money and cars on a personal scale here - have you checked out the worldometers?

look at those cars and bicycles and computers proliferating.

Or check out the lightning strikes.................

Oh Joy!

Ever since I got onto the Web, and started a website, I have been chasing down old friends (not via school sites!). It's not so difficult, with people in Show Business and all, but it has still been quite frustrating at times.

Equity (the performers' union) does not allow two people with the same name in the business, but they're not world wide. I was lucky to have an (almost) unique name. [Now I now there is small boy Toby Philpott out there, and also a Lib-Dem candidate [possibly the same person who is doing business studies in Durham - but Dave Gorman I am not].

Anyway - Justin Case was quite an influence on me taking show biz seriously (rather than just being a street urchin), but I haven't (until now) been able to track him down, as several other people (or their parents!) had the same bright idea for a name. I just did!

I received a random email from Mr Jules, mentioning someone by that name on the tele, so I tried harder (in my tea-break) and just found the original Justin, with a glittering career! Yahoooooooooooo! His cv is here (you'll need Adobe Acrobat Reader, at least.)

At least the Internet Movie Database has him down as Justin Case I....not to be confuse with the musician or the porn star......

One more good Bucky Link - Guinea Pig B

or for the fuller flavour (sic), try here

They knew it was dangerous

John Glenn, first American to go into orbit, was asked what went through his mind while he crouched in a rocket nose cone, waiting for blast off, the astrophysicist Sir Martin Rees recalled grimly this week, in the wake of the Columbia disaster. Glenn replied: "I was thinking that the rocket had 20,000 components, and each was made by the lowest bidder."

Guardian Online Science Update

G. K. Chesterton's Pan-Utopian Flaw

"The weakness of all Utopias is this, that they take the greatest difficulty of man and assume it to be overcome, and then give an elaborate account of the overcoming of the smaller ones. They first assume that no man will want more than his share, and then are very ingenious in explaining whether his share will be delivered by motorcar or balloon."

The deepest level of the problem might be defined as "unbalanced concentration of wealth" resulting from society's split between those with time and no money, and those with money and no time. an interesting politician - libertarian right? - TimeSizing

Week 2 has just about finished. Only a month to go (I can't believe I said that).

This Small World thing is a bit strange. When I was a kid, adults who had travelled had mostly done it as part of serving during the war (France, Italy, North Africa, Malaya, etc). Then, as cheaper flights came in, poorer people started doing Spain, and so on. Later, cheaper flights meant that people started taking exotic holidays further afield. Still, once you get to Australia you are already on the way back. That was as far as you could go. After that, people had to look for more exotic options.

Don't want to be a tourist? Be a 'real traveller' with a backpack and an open-ended agenda.

Too many places on the Lonely Planet are now catering for people who don't 'think they are tourists'? Go off and live with the natives.

Of course, there are always paradoxes in these things. Tourists do bring in money that poorer countries need. The people going native, however, (like the first missionary or anthropologist) MAY be doing more harm in corrupting the innocent paradise they came to find. There are no easy answers to these things. I originally saw planes as likely to open up the planet to us all, but then I was a poor hippie, so the option didn't kick in. People with steady jobs (paradox) travelled more often, and further, than I did. What I had lots of was time (not money). I don't regret it. It's as pointless as envying Mick Jagger and the Jetsetters. Do You Sincerely Want to Be Rich?

My pet peeve with the way things went was that, just as I started realising how extravagant (in fuel) planes were (cars are bad enough), everybody decided to mimic the rich. Compared to any of our ancestors, and most of the current population of the planet, we are all incredibly rich. Henry the Eighth would be envious of our palaces and communications and materials. And yet, we are still dissatisfied and restless. I guess that's why peace of mind seemed like the better goal. If you are happy inside, it doesn't really matter where you are. Everywhere is exotic to someone somewhere else, and everywhere is home.

WHEREVER YOU GO , THERE YOU ARE.

So I sit here, as ever, working on my self - and trying to accept my lot, and be satisfied with what I have, and ignore all the attempts of people on the television to make me envious or greedy. They are giving out mixed signals at the moment. Lowering Interest Rates to further stimulate consuming rather than saving (a slightly desperate ploy) - throwing a war (always creates a few jobs) - and I am finding it difficult to even write this stuff because of my lack of neutrality. Since getting a steady job I see these things a bit differently. Let's face it, I even have a (small) credit line now - and potentially I could borrow all of next year's wages. Quite what I would live on next year, though, I am not sure... (the year after's?)

Sorry about the rant. Living alone does make me return to my obsessions, and being a dog I worry at these things... (I remember giving my dog a big bone once, when he had been living on dog food, and he gnawed and worried away at that bone continuously for over 24 hours (with little sleep) until he cracked it, and got to the marrow. That's what I mean by worrying - not that helpless neurotic fretting about stuff you can't change. It's like the fun I had when I was young, disentangling balls of string (the Rubik's Cube of the impoverished Fifties?) provided by my mum (you never threw anything away when living with scarcity).

We were so poor, that untangling string was fun.....

(follow link to source of text) Bucky lost his business and a lot of his friend's money and was so upset he considered killing himself and wondered if he was more valuable to his family dead. He realized that he was valuable to Humanity and decided to live his life in a way to benefit mankind. He took an inventory of his life and realised he was only successful when he wasn't making money. "You can make money or you can make sense. Each is mutually exclusive." "If I am to believe in myself and the validity of my own ideas, I must stop thinking as other people told me to and rely on my own experience." He changed his approach to life, determined to reform man's environment, rather than people themselves. He decided to embark on "an experiment to discover what the little, penniless, unknown individual might be able to do effectively on behalf of all humanity." He called this experiment Guinea Pig B. He set out to study principles and "Proof of Concept" artifacts which proved that you could do "More with Less."

Here's a nice quote from Bucky Fuller, which sums up the kind of stuff I am 'worrying' at just now - for a written piece I never finished.

"There is enough for everyone.
People think that there isn't enough,
so they get as much as they can,
so many people don't have enough."

It's a week and a half into 'being alone', and I seem to be calming down. I was bouncing off the walls last week, and howling at the moon. The agony has (for the time being) passed. I am still in a slightly odd state of mind (so nothing new there, then). It's a funny old year so far - not the easiest, but with a lot more hope in it than I had same time last year (I think).

It's just a matter of getting through this dark, glum part of the season. The day was bright but short. Anyway, I have a day off tomorrow. If you wonder why I should write such trivia, it is because I am signalling to different people. I don't mean I am doing stuff in code, simply being oblique. Sometimes I really use Oblique Strategies.

Nice bright days in Cardiff - but so frosty that I (and several others) couldn't walk up the slope on the footbridge, as it was covered in ice. Comedy walks both up and down, with people clinging to the railings.

Although I still feel a little bit sad that I am not on the adventure, the truth is that I quite like my little life. I know there are a dozen countries I'd like to see, and a thousand people to meet, and several other jobs I'd like to have a go at, but as I get older all these things seem to fade into a gentler perspective. Most of those will now remain fantasies forever - or, better, virtual realities.

I have been everywhere with David Attenborough's nature programs, got in close, seen more, and done minimal damage to the habitat (unlike, say, tourism usually does). Virtual anthropology has its virtues, as does virtual nature watching. People watch cooking and gardening and travel programs, sport, circuses and even sex. You name it - we watch it and pretend that it's us being there, doing that......some of us really do, and the rest pretend or imagine.....

I just got the first message from the 'girls on the road' of things being less than perfect (storm brewing and getting ripped-off). This immediately made me feel protective (but helpless, of course). During the first week my emails have probably been self-pitying and whingeing, but that's just childish stuff about it 'not being fair' - other people sunning themselves as I slog into work through the British winter every day.

My (Chinese) New Year's Resolution is to only send cheerful and supportive stuff from now on (and I'll keep my own 'poison log' at home to dump the sulky, bitter, grumpy stuff into).

Happy Chinese New Year! This is the year of the sheep/ram (or The Year of The Black Sheep, as one website has it...)

Well, OK, but it's as meaningful as any of those other (Christian) calendar countdowns..........

Saturday at the computer room desk. Quiet day so far, and I am pottering sufficiently to allow myself the luxury of nipping in here to scribble some notes to self.

I watched Minority Report last night - paranoid Scientologist against the modern world - with thingy as our tight-lipped hero (Tom Cruise) - and what to do with a psychic sidekick. Great special effects.

The art site I came across is still producing treasures, today I spotted Summerhill, and some haiku by Issa. I took on the assignment to write my life out within 24 hours. I gave it about 3 hours(eventually) but it was an interesting experiment. A bit uncomfortable (the things put in and the things left out) and I already see a proofing goof, but hey ho, perhaps I just shouldn't tell anyone about the site.....

Back at work, and got an email from Jules asking if I really am going to get to Amsterdam, or was just playing with the idea. I guess it's a good enough plan to break up this 'tired behind the eyes' feeling that I live with at the moment. I know I didn't have a proper holiday since last February (that could be something to do with it!), and emotional times make me sleepy [it's an evasion, if you're negative, or nature's own Valium if (like me) you think your bodymind knows what it is doing, and how to do it....] A touch of the hibernations, too.

Shaved my beard off last night - to mark the day. I have often cut my hair or shaved the beard as a 'marker'....of course, some people at work react and others don't. At least somebody came up with 'It makes you look older' today - which I liked, although it thwarts my own (tired old) response to 'looking younger' - 'of course I look younger, I look as though I haven't reached puberty!'

Whether I manage to keep shaving long enough for Julie to enjoy it in March, I have no idea. It grew out in three weeks abroad last year. Mike in the Leisure Dept (long scraggly beard and short hair) says he often gets asked if he is Jewish or a Muslim...and I pontificated about this clean-shaven thing being Christian (dating back to when the Roman soldiers brought it over here) - with pagans and barbarians being hirsute. Just another of the less than sensual aspects of Christianity (although these days people seem more scared of hair than ever before. Guys seem to want woman as smooth and shiny as their car. It figures. Although women seem to be willing co-conspirators in that.

Anyway...Friday coming up, and I have books and videos and DVDs. I have no real reason for feeling lonely...and I used to enjoy being alone...so I guess this is love (Doh!)

It's 2 in the morning. I went to Pete's funeral/wake today. The thunder clapped just before the curtains closed and the country music kicked in....and when we went outside it was snowing for about five minutes.... Nice one Pete.

Then we had a blazing sun in a blue sky to get to The Globe. Once we were safely in the pub (with drinks on Pete) the snow swirled down, and settled, changing everyone's plans a little....

Meanwhile, I hear from Julie in 33ºC out in Thailand.... probably up with the hill tribes now.

A Sad and Lonesome Day.

Yeh, OK I'm playing Bob in the small hours 'Love and Theft' -

and can I just stick in this from the ceremony for Pete, Chris said: (misquoting Mr Dylan with respect):

When I saw Pete say "goodbye" to his friends and smile
I thought that it was well understood
That he'd be comin' back in a little while
I didn't know that he was sayin' "goodbye" for good

Hi everyone (and a big hello to Julia and Eleanor)

I have now heard from Julie, so I know that they arrived safely in Thailand. Only 6 weeks to go (that's just me). We have snow warnings here, and they are in 30 C. Hey ho.

All seasons are available at any time, of course, if you have both time and money available. It's just a matter of taking your bodymind around the spacetime world to experience it. As I get older (and with far less free time - from having a steady job) I reduce my expectations of places I might visit one day. I reduce them every day. They may well remain places of the mind. Thanks to books and TV we all have some idea what these places are like, but still you can never tell what experiences YOU (as an individual) might have if and when you were there in person. That's the adventure.

I never was much of a tourist. I rarely arrived with money to pump into poorer economies. That also means I didn't tempt any rip-offs. I tended to travel to work.

Still, I have a funeral to go to, and may (you never know) meet some old friends in London this week. After that I may try to enjoy my solitude for a while.

PS: I'll find a less silly title when I can...

There has been a bit of a break in transmission, for which I apologise (if anybody reads this regularly). I know family members may log in here, as well as long-lost friends. At the same time, I don't put anything really personal up here, as it is an open door to the world.

In brief, a much beloved dog friend (Finn), belonging to a friend of mine, died a couple of weeks ago. Then a close human friend died two days ago. Right now, my partner Julie is about to set of on a trek around Thailand for six weeks (with her daughter Rhiannon). As you can guess, I am a bit emotional at the moment.

It's great to hear from people who do read this stuff - so please feel free to contact me on bogusmagus23@yahoo.co.uk.

Interaction is still the name of the game. My best wishes go out to all of us - if they are planning to throw another war for oil.

Maybe the Chinese New year on February 1st, can be another turning point and fresh start - The Year of the Goat (Black Sheep?)

Ah well, finally the ftp started working again.

It's getting really cold in the UK at the moment. I think Ali came back from Hawaii the other day, so she must really be feeling it.

The house has gone quiet (carpet went down).

Got an email from Sue Hooven, which reminded me to update my Jabba Links page. Hi Sue!

I still seem to be locked out, and ntl claim their work on the server has been done and any hiccups resolved, but I still can't get in to tinker with the Thought of the Day, or the Lyrics page, or just to change the current (dull) incarnation of the front page.

Ho hum - get a life, I guess...............

Happy new Thing, and a prosperous whatever......

I can't get into my website to change it, so for those of you you may visit - I am a passive reader like you.

Blame the ISP

Cain't do nothing about it...............................

Well, the carpet men didn't come yet. And the floorboards aren't nailed down. And there are guys doing something about the damp in the basement, but there is no guarantee that it will be effective. And (as ever) I am probably glad I do not own property.

Although renting has gone out of fashion, and 'ownership' has come in, it is just a trick of the language. Previously you could rent a place and, if you stayed long enough, acquired some rights to stay. Now you stay, and pay 'rent' to the banks and other money-lenders, and they pretend you already 'own' the house even though they will take it back the minute you stop paying off your 25 year loan. Because I went to the USA at the end of the Sixties (when every one else was going off to live in in India) I saw what happpens. You go from this 'Live Now, Pay Later' form of ownership back into what is effectively renting. Americans seemed to lease cars and houses and whiteware, and so on - as part of their 'mobility' model, if they were going to move they didn't pack it all in a van and take it with them - they dumped it, traded it, passed it on.

For such a materialist culture it was interesting to see how unpossessive they were. It goes with true wealth, I guess. If you are nouveau riche you want the big house and car and clothes, etc. When you are very, very rich you probably don't bother. Personally, I'd travel with just a passport. Why carry clothes when you can buy new ones? Why carry a toothbrush when wherever you stay there will be a fresh one? Why stay in one place when you could afford to keep moving, and hiring what you need when you arrive?

I remember that Bucky Fuller went from owning cars to renting them (in his multiple circumnavigations of the globe) for similar reasons. This hasn't help me convince anybody that this ownership thing is already out of date. You can't tell them it is a gamble and a house of cards. It's like telling people that their ticket will not win the lottery - you're probably right (they even admit it sometimes) but you can't be sure. Well no, I can't be sure things are hopeless, but if I want a glimmer of hope in life it has to be more than a vague promise from a huge corporation that a worthless piece of paper which they have sold me just might turn out to be worth lots!

Still, I guess I am only bitter and impoverished, having not climbed on this particular bandwagon. And like any of my rants against cars and mortgages, and hire purchase - there's an old fashioned term for what we now call ownership (it used to be more obvious that you were renting something up until the day you had paid the capital costs, at which point the owner might not want it back, used, and could afford to 'let it go' to you) - it's all considered to be 'sour grapes' rather than despairing humour.

Had a quiet holiday for a couple of days. Carpet layers arriving tomorrow.

Now listening to Jerry Mander on the PC (while I write) - one of those great thinkers that I love. I highly recommend that you investigate, at least, his book 'Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television', which I read decades ago, and it only becomes more relevant as time passes.

I don't want to be a Luddite (its a pejorative term), but in many ways I am. I don't like cars, or know how to drive, or even aspire to drive. I have now joined the computer world (mostly as a research and writing tool).

We are all compromised - but at least we can make our own choices about our level of involvement.

I was a bit disappointed, in my tea-break, to put 'atheist christmas' into Google hoping to find a little like-mindedness, and finding instead a bunch of atheists explaining why it's OK for them to be celebrating Christmas anyway (it's secular, it's family, it's pagan, it's historical - it's memories of their childhood, etc).

Doh! I guess it really will have to be a Buddhist Retreat next year. I've already done the research. But then again, how hypocritical is it for me to zoom off and meditate and so on, when I am not a Buddhist either!

At least Jews don't tell me off for not celebrating Channukah......

And then, the final bizarre touch - all the Google pages of Christians who don't celebrate Christmas because of its pagan roots!

It was a real joy, and a relief, to finally come across the Xmas Resistance Movement, and even such a simple letter as Why I Don't Celebrate Christmas.

They call this Christmas Eve. In Europe (notice how the British still don't think they are part of Europe) - well, OK, 'on the mainland' they open their presents tonight.

Don't forget to show how much you love someone by how much debt you are willing to go into, to give them something unnecessary.

Don't forget to consume far more than normal, so that you feel bloated and uncomfortable. Ideally, eat things you don't normally eat, and drink alcohol, even if you don't usually.

I guess all this started when I found that even my household (I grew up as a vegetarian) used to have a dead bird on the table at Christmas (for relatives). How can I offer meat-eaters a glimpse of how that felt? How about a baked dog with an apple in it's mouth? Pretty horrible, anyway (although the cat used to like it).

And then there was the State Religion aspect of it. This is what people believed if they were good citizens. It was irrelevant what a small boy thought about it - what a transparent hoax the whole story is - more improbable than the Tooth Fairy (and I am not talking Santa here). Compulsory Belief. Well, to me, you can't make anybody believe things. You can make them confess, admit or falsely claim to believe, if you are the Spanish Inquisition, but you can't (I believe) make people truly believe anything.

Ho hum. I am just using this for my rant, so I can clam up 'in real life' and not spoil people's parties. Then all I have to get through is that 'Oh you shouldn't have, I didn't get you anything' bit, and the 'no, no not for me thank-you, I've had enough' and the sentimentality and the envy, and the anti-climax...the pause...and then that whole New Year's schtick as well...and I'll be able to relax.

Well, the season is almost upon us now. I guess I may have to join in with the party game I mentioned before. This seems to involve the shops and warehouses piling up every bit of tat they have, and us all going round collecting it all up and redistributing the stuff around the city. Every household does is duty - taking in all the forlorn objects, nick-nacks, bits of furniture, plastic toys, etc. The object is to rehouse ALL the stuff by Christmas. I feel guilty every time I see an unsold item now - I can't look them in the eye. Left on the shelf. I can't even say 'I can't afford you' as I pass by on the other side, because this is the season of over-indulgence, 'treating' yourself, going wild, nothing to pay for a year, zero interest credit, reckless spending, etc. (sorry, delete that last one, it sounds negative).

Of course, you need tokens and tickets to play, but they'll lend them to you, so there's no excuse if you simply can't afford it.

And guess what happens if we successfully find a home for EVERY GI Joe and bottle, every wicker work chair and DIY tool, every game and every piece of jewellery - that's right, they fill the stores back up with CHEAPER stuff for the sales. And the Sales are not in January nowadays, they start on Boxing Day.

In fact, I am told, I will not even be able to wander around the wreckage on Christmas Eve (as I used to) - picking among the flotsam and jetsam - the shop-soiled, customer-ransacked shelves - amid the weary assistants praying (religiously) for the end - unable to find the colour or size I want, of course - until finally BLISS - it's too late, and everything closes.

Nope. No peace - they are pumping up Christmas Eve with 'early Sales'... And they are going to have open hours throughout the holiday. I despair, I really do.

Happy Solstice every pagan!

Anyway, where was I? I don't know what to buy the woman who has everything, but I wander around without a thought in my head. I know the world is full of wonderful gizmos, but do we really need any more things?

"Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste...." Actually, I can't compete in the wealth range of presents because they are all designed to be bought on credit for future earnings. And as for taste, well I have rarely successfully bought anything pretty, or fragrant, or stylish for anyone (especially women). Taste is a tough and personal area. It's why I prefer book tokens to books...

Anyway, Shop Surly for Christmas might be my slogan, except for the fact that I am a reformed man. After a long stressful period of my life I am resolved to cheer up. I have always preferred putting on the attitude, putting on the style. Optimism is a tactic.

I just can't get rid of my wider world view. Last week we were all walking around looking at concentrations of objects in shops, and now most of those objects are scattered throughout the surrounding buildings. Shops empty, Houses full.

And somehow this is all supposed to keep us employed and affluent. It was OK when I was a performer, and could milk the season for which people wanted 'hired jollity'. I had plenty of goodwill for people (once I got over the temptation to do children's parties!)

I never was a very good 'punter'.

Definitely more energised.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am tired of trying to defend Astrology as a useful, mythical, psychological language (a jargon) even, I would say I was enjoying the Sagittarian influence, galloping around and aiming high. Think about a Centaur with a bow and arrow....

Anyway. Over the early Winter slump, and running around like a mad thing. I just went over to a neighbours house, to a computer which wouldn't talk to them, even.

Went into DOS (that feels like speaking Latin) and saved their documents, and then did the *full, automatic re-install and restore* which came with Packard-Bell and it put back Windows ME, and all the Works, with nothing much more than observation from me.
Still, young Arran was sitting beside me, so I was trying to get the family data through DOS and explain what I was doing - when I was never that fluent in DOS anyway, and the keyboard was odd and hid the ~ (tilde) - DOH!

Finally it re-installed everything (including the junk which came with the package).

I left it with a boy willing to kick out the programs he doesn't want, and re-arrange all the stuff. Great! I never really believe I can do this stuff. It takes too long, of course, when you are going cautiously - but it is a great feeling of success when the system all comes up again.

A much better few days, recently. I feel happier and healthier. Last night, Ben and I started to play with Movie Maker and the webcam, and he made a short movie of a sketch he had done at school (in mime, but he later added narration), and I caught various clips of him dancing, etc, which I later compiled into a rave clip... It's the way to learn....

Also spoke to Michael Nielsen yesterday. Nice to hear from him (and be forgiven for missing an appointment!) He did point out (discretely) that people at Jedicon didn't think much of the quality of image I had in my pictures - true (I agree), and I already acknowledged it on the day, but there was little I could do. Keili and I did Photoshop tweaks to the low rez images I had, and the printer was miles away, so I couldn't get a sample. I'll learn. Meanwhile, apologies to anyone who did buy one of these unsatisfactory prints (signed). The only thing I can say is that they will remain rare (early and imperfect) items from my first ever public show. By the time I have got high gloss pictures and posters and cards (like most other people who do conventions) these will turn into rare treasures...(maybe)

And yes, I have lots left, if you want to email me for a cheap souvenir (and we can arrange postage, etc). Of course, they would be unsigned - because it would be unfair to the people who came to Jedicon to devalue what they have bought in good faith. If you want one signed (and the Jabba pointing finger seems OK, even if the Princess Leia pic is not too good), then the standard rate seems to be £10. I will also sign your own stuff for £5 if you send it to me - but you send it at your own risk (and please email me that it is on the way - so if there are any problems we will know. I would hate people to be waiting for something to come back which I haven't even received).

For this Star Wars stuff, it is best to email me on

jabba.hutt@ntlworld.com

All the best everybody.....

'It's just bad luck that Friday is so often the 13th'

I hope none of you suffer from triskaidekaphobia (fear of 13s) or tridecaphobia (as some dictionaries give it).

It's beginning to freeze here, now. Really bleak weather. I've put my long-johns on today - not glamorous, I know, but they work!

Saw Mr Jules in the library [if that link to his page is a bit slow, try this link to one of his agents] - but I didn't get to juggling or the pub afterwards. I'd lit a fire and opened a bottle of wine, and was watching the current David Attenborough on Mammals...herbivores (my veggie buddies) or 'plant predators' as he called them.

Going to the convention meant I had time off work without any rest - so I am a bit shattered at the moment - and just want to hibernate. Still, it was fun, and a distinct change of routine. [Yes, Wayne, I did get Mike Q to sign your cards, they're on the way].

Bits of me still seem to ache. I have a kind of RSI in my right hand/arm, from mouse use and abuse...so I switched the buttons, and am using mouse left-handed, both in work and at home. Now my left arm hurts too! Doh!

Just gotta find some other activities.

Well, I am back from Jedicon. First of all a big apology to HR, as I really did try to get across town to meet up, but had a slight emergency arise, and then it all went out of control!

It was nice to meet everybody on Sunday - and to be able to give people a bit of time. The official Q&A sesion was a bit sluggish, but the people who came to meet me in person were great - so thanks for making me welcome at my first (but perhaps not last) convention.

And a particular big hello to Mike Quinn and John Coppinger and Michael Nielsen. Nice to see you!

I got an email from Aurélien Lukowski this morning, who has connections with a Star Wars shop in Paris. I am sending him some pictures, and he has invited me to visit next May...

Pretty exciting, as I haven't been travelling for a while. It will be fun to be in Paris again, and with a purpose (I always prefer that, I was never a very good tourist...)

Hi Aurélien!

I figured I should try to borrow back my crew shirt, for a picture, and yeh, has been is a joke....(you can also find it on the Home Page - click to enlarge).

When I said how many people would offer serious money for it, I think Tim (who owns it now) got a bit worried it wouldn't come back to him! Basically, it sat in cupboards and drawers for years, in 'almost new' condition (because I can't wear synthetics), and when Tim heard about it he was so excited I handed it over. Unlike me, he has actually worn it, lived in it and worked in it. It's pretty battered now, but I was never a hoarder, and I prefer things to be used. Apologies to all the collectors out there.

Steve Langfield contacted me for a picture for his fanzine Coruscant Skyline so I dug out a couple of old ones, and took a quick pic in the den. It's getting close to Jedicon now, and I am getting a little bit wired with anticipation and not knowing quite what I am walking into.

I just know I know so little of the Star Wars world.

I just rang Keili, and he was sitting on a plane at Heathrow, about to take off ..... off to hotter climates ...

To add to all the chaos of the last few weeks, I had some post go astray. Wayne Boulton (click on his name to go to his good-looking Star Wars collectors' website) contacted me, and sent some Star Wars stuff to sign. It didn't arrive, so I emailed him and asked around the house. For a while it seemed as though other post might have gone astray. As we've got the builders in, it was all too possible, with the street door open a lot. Now we seem to have accounted for everything except Wayne's package, so I can only assume it disappeared somewhere in between. I used to love snail mail as a kid - and I never had losses or late deliveries - I thought it was brilliant.

Now I am not so sure. Someone wonderful sent me a £50 note on my 50th birthday (knowing I was down on my luck) and it never arrived. I have heard other stories of cash going astray - I have no idea how, unless someone has a detector which picks up the metal strip. It's possible my pressie was sealed like a birthday thing, and looked potentially valuable, but it is sad to think that that reliable way of getting things around has gone. Old man stuff, I guess - "It's not like it was in my days...."

Phew, slightly happier. Is this news?

It's still a rough ride at the moment, but I guess I have to report both the ups and downs.

Keili was rather ill yesterday (infection of the inner ear) and we ended up running around to an out of hours doctor. Then miscommunicating a bit with Julie about a lift, and finding ourselves wandering about in a taxi trying to cash a prescription. Finally reached a 24-hour superstore with a pharmacy. Keili ran inside while I waited with the cab, chatting. I saw a mate called Dave climb into the car in front...and just as I was thinking 'small world' I saw Julie cruise by - she had not got my cancellation message and had gone to the surgery who told her where we were going. I didn't manage to flag her down, and by the time I got to a public phone to ring her mobile she was on the way home. Doh!

A lot of us went to The Oak for an end of the day drink, as they are changing management after many years.

I then had a very bad night and a very good night and it's none of your business.

There was a party last night at Ali's, for the lad. A nice smaller gathering.

I have a new computer game. I play one of my music tracks, and at the same time go off to the Web to try to find the lyrics so I can sing along with it. I've never shown any real talent for singing (I certainly don't karaoke), but I like the sensation in my chest, so I carry on doing it, but it is just for my own amusement really. And now I have found and marked a few key lyric sources, the hunt is not so difficult every time. It's one of the reasons that I have not got into 'computer games', as there are so many ways to play with a PC anyway - and if I want puzzles and cryptics to crack, I just have to work on the mysteries of Microsoft...fixing or changing my system and settings. Tougher than killing the villains and grabbing the gold (or whatever they do...)

It was Keili's birthday yesterday, and we managed to find some time for each other. Spoke to Kim on the phone. Had an email from Mali. Family all over the world.

As of yesterday, the UPS in the room I work in has been beeping its alarm (to be fixed Monday!) so I am finding it hard to think, and am finding all sorts of excuses to wander around the building and do work elsewhere. Classic jokes from the cosmos. Stuff comes in clusters. At home the builders are drilling at 7:45 a.m. even on my day off. They are not working today, of course - Saturday - and the house is quiet, so I have to come into the beeping office. Classic.

I had a nice email from Richard, who has a Star Wars page.. When I am a little less jangled by life events I will try to carry on with our chat, but things are both hectic and weird at the moment.

And here's a phrase I heard somewhere recently, I can't pin it down. The rythm of it caught me:

"If I'd known I was doing it for the very last time, I'd have paid more attention"

Is that those iambics again....?

Pete sent me a couple of tough crossword challenges. I found the first quite quickly, but I was stumped by the last. However, while researching I came across John Gay's self-penned epitaph:

Life is a jest, and all things show it; I thought so once, but now I know it.

I like that.

PS: he's most famous for writing The Beggar's Opera

Well, this is why I am getting fed up with 'long-term' illness. I was exhausted over the weekend, (two days off) and just curled up under a duvet with a book. It meant I missed Ali's 40th birthday, which was a real pain (these things only come once). People were up all night laughing I hear, but I was curled up miserable.

Them's the breaks.

I am back at work today, because if I start going off sick with this I will never go back. It's more or less the same every day, so I'll just struggle on, but it's making me feel pretty over the hill - and no-one knows how to fix it. Grind the teeth and carry on......

It was nice to talk to Michael Nielsen again last night. We should be meeting up at Jedicon.

I believe that John Coppinger will be turning up, too. Mike Quinn is flying in from the States. I think Dave Barclay will already be back in the States before the convention, and rumour has it that Mike Edmonds is working in Edinburgh (?) so this probably won't be the great Jabba get-together, but it might still happen one day, now we are all in touch. You never know (my motto).

I just finished a four day First Aid course - imagining all the horrible things that can happen to people. And then imagining that I am the person who is expected to deal with it..... I didn't sleep well, this week. But I passed, and am qualified again.

Keili is still here, helping me with my artwork. I am still enjoying the novelty of bonding with such a great person, and then realising that we really are related...closely. It's a flash. And stories about my own dad sound different when I tell them to him.

Very glum, hibernating weather now, in Cardiff. Cold, wet and windy.

I think I am due for a bit of a holiday soon - having not had a break since I got back from Hawaii in March. Phew! I am pretty tired.

And that's it for trivia thinking again.

¡Hasta la Mañana!

Apologies if my lack of communication continues. I've been a bit ill, and am feeling all of my 56 years, and when I am not working I have been curled up. Some of it is the usual hibernation tendency, some is the chronic pain (two and a half years and running) sliding up to the worse end of the scale, and some plain old misery.

Really, this stuff should be going into my private blog - it isn't important to people who don't have to put up with me each day - but at the same time I am no longer in show business, and all that brave 'Show Must Go On' cheerfulness just isn't needed (or even wanted).
Where I work, if you came in whistling from the rain, people would make sarcastic remarks. Far better to be glum - and that's really easy for me at the moment.

Having a bit of a bad week - if anyone was trying to get through to me. I don't know if it's just anniversary phenomena, for this time of year, or the clocks going back, or Halloween, or whatever. Just the old S.A.D. kicking in.

No doubt I'll pull myself together, meanwhile, please don't take it personally if I am a bit uncommunicative.

More news, when the news gets better. (Who needs bad news?)

I just saw an article about a book which finally sounds like a psychologist who understands me. She is talking about defensive pessimism - a strategy, not an illness. The opposite of all that bright-eyed optimism (which can only get disillusioned). Of course, fundamentally, I seem to have a great deal of faith in Universe or Nature, or whatever you prefer to call it - but from day to day I don't think it is a good plan to be cheerfully ignorant. I use the aphorism of the conjuror who said he didn't fully know his act until 'everything that could go wrong, had gone wrong'. And I know that all that 'confidence in the markets, or the house prices, etc' is a confidence trick, a house of cards.

It's true that housing is becoming endlessly more valuable, but to me that is partly because of the population explosion, and partly because of the infinite credit (debt) that has been offered out (so that we are no longer slaves to landlords and rent, just slaves to bankers and mortgages). I must try and work out the difference one day (apart from the fact that it was easier to move or be moved in the days of renting....)

Anyway, enough of all that.

Ah, Saturday. And back into work. Cold and windy in Cardiff, now - although not raining, as in the last few days. Winter is definitely upon us. Julie is looking at brochures for Winter Sun, and fully intends to go cruising, I think. I can't go, not having the time or money, but I hope she enjoys it - after all, I got to Hawaii in February this year, and, although a two week break felt like a bit of an anti-climax to me ( who never previously had 'holidays' as I was, for most of my life, on what Ian Dury called the "4,000 week holiday") it was still worth it.

Keili brought his mate Ian around today. We squashed into my den for a bit, and rattled a few ideas around. I am still having troubles with the PC (which was pretty smooth for my first few months of XP). Whether it is the security updates, or what, I don't know. Windows Media Player doesn't seem to want to play DVDs from work. The damn PC is still dialling out of its own accord at times (luckily, I don't pay by the minute) which is still spooky, as I can't see any scheduled tasks, and have no idea which bit of software is doing it, or whether I have a nasty little bug in there somewhere.

Fortunately, anyone who thinks I am worth cracking into - some sort of Star Wars star with a big bank account, or any secret diaries - is much mistaken. I have no property, little credit, and no secrets. It's a pretty dulll little life if you are wandering around in here. I was, am and will remain lowlife. That I got lucky here and there is only fair, I reckon.

I started a boring day-off with a bit of cleaning. Then Michael came online, and I stopped my dull cleaning job to find him working on activating his Webcam. We had a really good hour sorting that out, until we could see each other, type words, or talk live.

Nice one, Michael! Sorry I didn't get back online later. Things happened.

Back to work tomorrow, but I learned something new, and that is ALWAYS good. Keeps you young....

Hello everyone - I will TRY to be online, but if I even HAD a mobile phone I would probably keep it switched off, because I like my ALONE time. Great though communication is, I like to be alone with my thoughts, too.

A FIRST! I had been emailing Michael Nielsen about the SciFi convention, and he asked if I was using any online messaging (after we exchanged a flurry of emails, almost in real time). I said no, but started installing MSN Messenger, just to experiment. We started with typing, then I wanted to try talking, so we switched to Yahoo Messenger, and got the microphone going. We don't have the webcam connection going yet, but it was a blast to see how it was all done. My computer did lock up eventually, but hey...

Another thief of time, no doubt - after chatting for a couple of hours I thought that (after avoiding the mobile phone invasion, for so long) I might be opening the door to being permanently out in the market place, chatting, instead of alone with my thoughts. Still, I will give it a try. I just keep remembering the thing I put on a poster for a children's project for the Millenium.

It started with "How long would it take to count up to 1000, at one number per second? 17 minutes.
A Million? 12 days. A (US) Billion? 32 years.

So it would take 192 years just to say Hello to all 6 Billion people on the planet right now!"

It looks like I am going to do my first Star Wars Convention on December 8th.

1st World Appearance at Jedicon in Basildon UK

Went up to London on Friday. Judith followed on Saturday. We had a nice day, in spite of the rain; met Jean in the pub, and went to a delightful Spanish Restaurant, but the combination of drinking several pints first and then eating left me (speaking for myself only) feeling like a snake that swallowed a pig, so rather than more pub, I voted to go homeward - and we ended up watching Harry Potter on Pete's huge tv with whoosh whizz bang sounds.

Judith made more effort than Pete and myself to make the original plan manifest, and lo and behold, on Sunday morning we found ourselves committed to getting down to the London Eye for 11.30. It was all a bit hectic and confusing collecting tickets, and Pete got disability access (with me as carer) and we got separated from Jean and Judith, and rode alone. The view was terrrific, higher than I had imagined, even. I think Pete enjoyed it. When we all met up again later, Judith pointed out the Dali Exhibition almost next door, so I went to suss it out, found we could get a wheelchair, and we went and did that too. It was terrific.

All through the day Pete was very brave about the walking...there's some quite longish walks, not just on the South Bank, but even just changing tube trains. We did have an angel help us (in the form of a woman taxi driver who spotted our plight and ran us 250 yards to the right place to be on time). Still, (apart from the moment when I got Pete running up a down escalator by mistake - thereby losing all hope of a carer's badge!) it was worth all the travel and effort to find ourselves having successfully completed the mission.

Yes! [punches the air]

A bit of a wild ride recently. Lots of ups and downs, comings and goings. I am learning a lot at work, right now. I am trying to collate all the material in what we call the Ethnic Dept of the library. This has all the Asian material, in about 16 languages, and it hasn't always been well maintained (not easy with Arabic script, Chinese, Urdu, etc). The new librarian for the department wants to rationalise it, and I decided to get on with learning enough Access to be able to give her my research (done in TCL - a 'programming' language) in a convenient form.

I am still poking around in the library online conference, as the magical Sysop (power!), while we put another group of staff through ICT training. Sue is the tutor, but is very tolerant of my constant flow of interruptions and comments.

Keili ricocheted back from London, after a wild ride of his own (lost the current modelling contact, so feeling a bit stranded, I guess). He has gone to stay at the Circus house for the while. No doubt we will cross paths soon, but I am probably off to London this weekend. Round and round we go.

And the Nortons Subscription wouldn't go in, so I reinstalled until the sign came up 'you have reached your maximum number of installs - contact the firm...) Thanx fellas for the automated response to my urgent request.

Keili is setting off to London tonight - a change that has lurched into view suddenly, and rapidly accelerated. So little time.

I am alone in the computer turret this week (at work, that is) so I do what I can, but I still have large areas of ignorance, and (worse than that) have to pass things through a bureaucracy to people with large workloads and ever-shifting priorities and SLAs.

Phew! Yesterday morning Keili rang to say that my Windows XP computer would not start. I had turned it off the night before (to have a little time in my room without the background hum - that noise I live with all day at work). No joy with its recovery console, but once I had settled down, and taken a deep breath, I reinstalled XP OK, and found all the data intact (even Outlook backup files, when I thought I might have to let all those recent emails go). It took ages to download my Nortons again, and even longer to get all the bits to work.

Anyway, it's back in place, so I haven't got to apologise to contacts this way, as there has been almost no break in service. Yippee!
I am a bit haggard today, though (bed at 5, up at 8).

It sounds as though Keili is heading back off to London to tackle the modelling world again. I may well be going that way myself to fulfil a trip promised by me and Judith to Pete (now he's back out of hospital). We were talking about going up in the London Eye.

Rhiannon, too, is going away - she's off to Greece this evening.

Another Friday at work. I was glad to hear that Pete made it home yesterday, even if the medical community has given him a hard time again. It is Amanda's 40th birthday 'do' tonight, so I will go for a drink or two. Keili is back around, having vanished into mainland Splott for a while. The kitchen is still in upheaval (and apparently the ceiling has to come down!) I still bath while everyone else uses the new shower (nothing like a hot soak for the old aches and pains, and you can't read in the shower...)

It all seems very hectic to me this year, without actually going anywhere. As an old fireside dog I feel sort of chivvied and hustled. When I was a puppy it would have been me bouncing around waiting to 'do' things, but now I just want to curl up and snooze. This is when I REALLY hate youth culture worship - as I am supposed to be aspiring to 'not looking my age' (although I am expected to act my age, I notice).

Growing old as disgracefully as ever. Irresponsible and incorrigible to the last.

Still, with the autumn coming on, and the light fading early, it would be strange not to be doing a little nostalgia for the summer that never (quite) was.

I have just noticed that (when testing the possibility of posting to the blog by e-mail) I sent one from my work mail (Council's version of Outlook) yesterday, and it didn't arrive, even yet. Nor did I get a message back (as happens) about inappropriate use of Council resources or whatever. I'll wait and see.

If anyone wants to know, I did the posting in my teabreak, and it is all (anyway) part of my job to understand the new resources becoming available - right now I am mentoring various members of staff in how to use online conferencing, for instance. So there.

Actually, I don't understand why it would be particularly useful, as most places I could email from would also let me visit Blogger direct. Still, perhaps that curious 'mobile phone' culture out there could use it.

I am a Selective Luddite.

You'd have to understand my delight in Dylan Moran or WC Fields or Diogenes (to name but three) to see why I don't think of my despairing rants as negative.

I WILL delete the tests eventually...meanwhile I think the only way I can use this is to drop random thoughts into it, and then feel so guilty about half-formed thoughts and half-baked ideas that I will feel forced to shape them up.

Last night I reminded Julie that a few weeks ago I was doing one of my rants, and she expressed boredom. I said, flippantly, that I was practising my rants (like Bill Hicks or George Carlin, say) - and her devastating response was, "Yes, but the difference is that you're not funny!"

Actually, she didn't remember any of that, last night.

I realise that I go and on about my main obsessions, and that (as those include capitalism, the folly of mortgages, the horror of cars, the nightmare of a civilization built on debt, etc) she is entitled to feel 'got at'. Hey Ho.

Hardly a prize winning site are we? I have enjoyed the growth of blogs, but only have a little time to explore them.

I enjoyed digging around in the 5k sites, however. That's some achievement! [non-programmer speaking]. If you don't know about this, there is an explanation here

On we go. I am feeling a bit old right now, with Keili here [I am two and a half times older than him, and he's a grown man] - as he and Rhiannon hang out like siblings. On my day off now I can find R on the sofa with the remote control and the phone, and K locked into the computer. I don't quite know how to act, of course, having never been an effective parent figure. I am neither an equal nor an elder. It's all too noisy and bouncy for me - and combined with the building work reminds me what an old buffer I have become, after all...

It comes to us all. At a Travellers Awareness day at the library recently I was reminded that the average life span for male Gypsy/Travellers in the UK - RIGHT NOW - is 54 years...so I guess I am doing well.

The autumn is on its way, the sun sinks lower over the house, and there is less time (almost none) to bask after a working day.

The rains will start all too soon - and the wind, of course. Fireside time coming up. Could be worse. [Like we could lose the roof in the middle of winter. Oh, that IS THE PLAN.] sigh.

You can tell the gloom is upon me - but these are passing clouds. I don't mean to just drag everyone down, but it's a diary, and I go up and down. It's just the way of the bodymind. May you be healthy and happy - and have some fun, all in your own good time.

There. Happy now?

Time flying by. I completely missed my sister's birthday on August 31st. I had a week in which I performed, worked in the library, put up our big top to be the drag queen cabaret for Mardi Gras, worked in the library, then took the tent down again - all while other people were having a National Holiday, etc.

I mised snail mail card, then email on the day, then the belated birthday greeting. Sorry Julia, I hope it was a fine time, and the usual Aquarian apology for missing it completely, while thinking about you throughout the day in question (but that hardly counts, except to an Air sign, I guess.)

Busy times.

Keili is still here, and we are squeezing in some good talks. The building work drags on, but the kitchen is beginning to look pretty amazing (no thanks to me). I still dread the loft conversion (taking the roof off in the winter!)

I must get back into Blogger, and explore some of the wonderful new controls that come with ProBlogger. I can't put this up for competition with so little thought put into the 'look' OR the content. Ho Hum.

I still have three other blogs on the system, a couple of private hidden ones and the previous public one. I should work out how to pull them down and archive or store any of the good stuff.

There's Dog Tired and Bone Weary
Thinking Allowed
and Home from Home

Well, look at this! A month or more has gone, and this is just another dead site on the Web. In my last posting I even managed to leave a dead link to a temporary page of other performers from Cardiff (I've removed it now).

A lot has happened. Keili came to visit, and is still around, which is gr-r-r-r-eat. The circus finished their Sci Circus tour in the little blue tent, and also staged a large-scale community show, ImMortal in their new UFO tent (I was even talked into making a phoney 'contactee' site to back up a letter written to the local press about allowing the UFO tent to be put up on ley lines, or some such nonsense.

I just received a multiple signing picture from Brandon York, which I signed and sent back. I seem to have vaguely committed myself to going to a JediCon in December, as I couldn't make the one in August. 'HR' Nielsen kindly offered to help me make pictures up for signing. He told me all about how conventions work, and then I thought I'd like to play with making the pictures myself, until I found that I don't have any high quality images for printing (they look alright on the Web). I may have to humbly return to him for further help and advice.

Just in passing (and this is NOT a dig at you, Brandon!) people send me International Reply Coupons for which they have paid good money - which I can trade for return stamps. Each one that Brandon sent (for instance) cost him $1.75, but all I get for that is a first class stamp to the States, (47p). That's a big markup for the postal services, and I often end up paying the balance of air mail stamps out of my own pocket. This is fairly typical of my life, when something I do (which should make a profit) ends up costing me!

Back from Glastonbury. There are a few pictures of my mates - Fair Play - freaking people out by being ticket touts INSIDE the festival.

Andy and Jamie are Fair Play.

I just got hold of Kazaalite (Kazaa without the spyware), and have downloaded several recorded bits of George Carlin. Stand-up is great, and the voice is crucial - no doubt the face and body language are important, too - but he writes great lines. Gotta get the books -Brain Droppings and Napalm and Silly Putty. How about:

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

I found that on his site under One Liners.

You've gotta bear in mind that I wanted to draw people's attention to the fact that there there is a big gap between what people SAY, and what they DO. For instance, I love Bill Hicks (see any search engine) and (rather belatedly) George Carlin ( who I kept hearing ABOUT) (but not hearing) (because I grew up under censorship) even though 'They' tried to stop me hearing Lenny Bruce in my childhood. Lenny was turned back at London Airport when I was at school, even though he was the most honest person I had ever heard of.

I was in my 'English Sixth Form', then (British school pattern for 16-18 year olds - I was doing ''letter to the editor' to Private Eye, and even got published ). You wonder why I 'dropped out?' It's just words. guys. [This is long before we twigged Neuro-Linguistic Programming - see Neal Stephenson's 'Snow Crash'.

I was lucky enough, in my early training, to do 'clown' workshops with fellow 'students' who were anarchic geniuses like Chris Lynam , (when I later copped out to cute acts, for kids, to stay alive), and to meet people who could do that dangerous stuff and still take their audience WITH them, like Mr Jules.

Here's a weird fragment for those of you who don't know my name is one of those archetypal ones like Robin Hood or John Bull.
I'll add my previous research at some point, but this came out of the Cardiff Library Local Study department.

THE OFFICAL ALETASTER

"The last official Aletaster of Cardiff was named 'Toby Philpot' and he was sworn in to watch (under a penalty for failure) that no ale was sold in the town before he had officially pronounced it 'Good and wholesome for Man's Body'."
Cardiff and Suburban News 23rd January 1932.

And the weather continues to match my lowering mood - we are slowly getting the network migrated onto the Council Servers.

The house is still in DIY chaos - and my body is still refusing to get well - as another of my peer group goes into hospital for (possibly) the last time - asbestos from work in the Seventies doing it this time. thoughts of mortality strike again - testing my amateur Buddhism to the limit.

Bob is still singing for me like an older brother - he's always just a couple of years ahead of me - in spite of living an entirely different life, he gets the mood spot on. [I know, all the fans feel like that - but that's why I consider him a superior artist - it's precisely the endless ambiguity which allows us to project ourselves into the work - just as it is the wonderful openness, and bare-bones theatre, of Shakespeare which gets rediscoverd over and over again as relevant to people.]

Time flies by, and I am still stuck with the puzzle of using this as a diary which gets published, so it isn't really very intimate. Too many people I know would not like me to be really honest in a medium which anyone on the planet could read (or take the wrong way).

At the same time, I don't really think many people drop in and read it, because I am not publishing it as a deliberate attempt to get my views better known. This is not a place for opinions - it really is a jotting pad which I access from here and at work, and anywhere else I travel. Perhaps I should put more thought into it, but I tend to find out about things by doing them first, and considering them afterwards.

Being an introvert / thinker / air sign I can just get stuck if I try to think first. I liked this phrase when I first heard it: It is easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than to think yourself into a new way of acting.... Not that I am naturally an 'actor', but it was a good cure for my tendency to get stuck in indecision, trapped in paradox, and fretting about getting all the evidence in before deciding anything.

It also led to some fairly bad 'impulsive' decisions (like dropping out of school) which I might have taken a little more time over...but on the whole 'plunging in' has been a tactic I have employed when feeling stuck. Similarly, things like the I Ching (which a lot of rationalists think are mystical rubbish) are actually quite useful for breaking deadlocks in thinking. I haven't decided whether there 'is' some wise old grandfatherly spirit advising me through these translations, or whether it is 'just my imagination'. I don't think it is an either/or issue. Using random stuff to generate alternatives is just a way to try to 'think outside the box' (or 'think in other categories' as Ouspensky puts it). For instance, if I am stuck I might toss a coin to decide - but that is not evading responsibility because I use my reaction to the result to decide - I don't just blindly follow chance.

If that isn't clear - what I mean is this: I toss the coin and if the result makes me feel 'You see! I knew it!' then I go ahead. If the result makes me go 'Oh no! How about I make it the best of three....' then I don't do it.

Of course, THAT annoys people who think that if you are going to introduce chance, then you shouldn't overrule it. They are always annoyed to find out that Burroughs only used cut-ups as a starting point - like a brainstorming session - and then went in and edited with a critical eye.

Hey ho - what AM I on about today? I am just warming up the fingers on the keyboard, to get down to some real writing offline...and sticking this in here for the random browsers who may wander in from my Home Page - Hi! - although (as I said) these are mostly random jottings for my future self.

I heard from Dan Ferguson, and found myself playing a computer game (not something I normally do) and even enjoying it and feeling a bit competitive. Not like me at all! The strange connections which emerge from the Star Wars connection are keeping me amused, now that my circus/juggling connections are not so frequent or vivid - although I WILL be going into Glastonbury Festival to take down the Circus tent, move it to London and put it back up, as the have a 'two tent' weekend, and need the crew. I always look forward to Glastonbury (even though I have suffered and just about survived some of the really wet and muddy ones - ones where I have actually lost my sense of humour and sworn never to do it again, etc. Sadly, there were a shortage of spare tickets, so Julie may not be able to go, but she is going to try to get access by offering her services to the Welfare People. More on this later.

I got a call to go to Glastonbury with the circus, but there's only one ticket available, so perhaps I can't go - I know Julie hates us doing thing separately. It's a shame - to me, as all the little self-employed bits and pieces contribute to making my steady job bearable.

Hey ho - got to decide today.

I am at work right now. We are still quite busy getting ready to migrate our system to the Council network, prior to actually installing a new library system in the autumn.

I have found a copy of 'You can't beat people up and have them say I love you' by Murray Roman. This is a 60's album [bit of nostalgia] a one-off mixture of jokes and music. Rather a scratchy old copy, but when I tried using the library system their record player didn't seem to grab the stereo effects properly - so my rough old needle at home will have to do for now....I sent a copy to Judith for a belated birthday present. It still makes me laugh even now....

And now it's Friday - but I work Saturdays, so the weekend DOESN'T start here. I was up all night on Wednesday (couldn't sleep) and decided to find the old cards I made up...like a Tarot set, but 24 cards related to the Eight Circuit model of the brain. I found them, and scanned them ,and then put them onto a page. Because they are a private thing, I didn't stick up any kind of link to the Website as such....they are too contentious for that...but I will put a link here, so long as you understand that they are just a little bit of art-in-process.

The background story is that I was stuck in a little bed-sit room for the winter; no money; no prospects; all my library lost in a personal disaster. I cheered myself up by deciding to reconstruct what I could remember of the 8-Circuit model, and make up a pack of cards, using only what I could find in my papers...old magazine pics, photocopies of books, etc. This is why they are such a mixture of faded B&W and glossy colour. There is no special pattern to this, I just used what came to hand that day (similarly, two of the cards display in landscape orientation and there is no significance in this....

Note, too, that circuits 6 and 7 seem to have been reversed in the last few years...but in the higher circuits....who knows? Anyway, I have left them as they are for now.....and will no doubt be redoing them as soon as I find some time.

See how time flies? I have been through another month of The Spring not quite arriving....

Bob Dylan came to Cardiff with his current band, and was excellent. My friend Judith came over from Somerset to watch - it was my present for her Sixtieth birthday (no secret, I hope Judith!) For Judith on her miscellaneous birthday........

I love the new band - especially playing the stuff from the new album - their album - Love and Theft - and we had a great view, as I had somehow bought tickets in the balcony, front row, centre stage. We could have done with binoculars, for close-ups, but we were right in the sound mix... Just up and behind the sound man.

Down on the floor people had to take their chances - thousands of standing, milling, dancing people below us. I heard good and bad reports about the sound and view down there - but there was no doubt that people mostly had a pretty good time. After the second encore Judith asked if it was the interval. Over two hours continuous music had flown by..........

The circus has its new show on the road - Sci Circus. The original crew do not appear on stage this year. Everyone is new (except Peter who joined recently, but has appeared in several shows). I saw the opening night, and enjoyed it a lot, in spite of my doubts (even rebels resist change) and after a wobbly start (it isn't easy telling the audience they don't have seats to settle into, but have to MOVE) I really got into it and enjoyed it a lot. The kids I was with thought it was great, as they milled around in the crowd, finding their own viewpoint, while the action moved from place to place within the tent.

I loved Dan's hat routine, but I didn't get to tell him that.

Sponsored by Science Year - the theme of SciCircus is the place where science and circus meet - gravity, friction, inertia, centre of balance, fulcrums, pulleys, it's all there. This is not a pompous lecture, however. When the audience arrive they find lots of 'things to do' with a science theme - there are booths with distorting mirrors, and puzzles, and disorientation tricks. The show emerges from all this, and wanders about the space, incorporating shadow shows, theatre in the round, booth stage, and aerial circus feats, with the audience breaking and moving and reforming as they go and performers popping up all over the place, and the lights shifting. There are many amazing props, too, but I won't spoil that for you by describing them - large and small.

The circus skills were excellent, and eventually we were charmed by this strange crew......good clowning....great disruptive fun.

Just finished reading Tony Allen's Speaker's Corner Journal - it's a great read. It's on the New Agenda site, which is his charitable arts trust thing.
It is very evocative writing: not only can I hear/see his stand-up act (as was) but also the rather different style that he evolved for the particular oddity of Speaker's Corner's dynamics. It is both a guided tour and a critique; you are introduced to colourful characters, given an analysis of the various other speakers, and are even allowed a glimpse backstage of the creative process.

I also emailed his publisher and found that his book "Attitude: Wanna make something of it?" will be out in early October 2002.

If you don't know who Tony is, then check it out - without his influence a lot of what we now glibly call Alternative Comedy would never have happened, or not exactly in this form. He's the eminence gris - the Godfather of it all. You don't see him on tv much, so he doesn't have that widespread fame thing [but then again, he doesn't sell his soul to advertising, either].

I had the privilege of hanging out with him, being helpful, back a few years. This didn't involve much - taking money on the door at clubs, helping with leaflets, setting up workshops, etc. It helped me feel more like a friend than a ligger, at least! And (most importantly) I got to see him perform often, and in many different venues - as well as socialising a little. Still, the stand-up scene is a little daunting for a timid old fool like me - I have never been very Alpha - and Tony knows EVERYBODY.

Just finished Cryptonomicon, Neal Stephenson, and in spite of the hassles of trying to read 900 pages while you are in a working week I have to say I've really enjoyed the ride. I am not going to do a precis here. It's too soon since I finished it.

Some of the links on the site seem to be having problems. Even this Blogger thing, since I now do it in BloggerPro, but often find myself in the standard format, too. Or is the server just slow at times?

It's a funny old world - just as I was expecting a dull year. [The only excitement was a very vague possibility of a Jabba get-together at a Texas Star Wars Convention in October.]

A man stepped out of the elevator today, who said he was a researcher for a daytime tv programme (and in case they want me to be secret plant in the audience, I won't say who, just now) who might consider me a 'colourful local character'. I rarely say no to stuff (that's how I ended up in ALL the good things I did, and a few of the bad.)

They'll let me know.

I have been neglecting this diary for a while - so here's just a quick update. Keili came for a whirlwind visit, and is as amazing as I expected and more (we didn't meet for a long time).

Spring has arrived, bright but cold.

I spotted Tony Allen's site at last: NewAgenda
He's the original alternative comedian - the godfather of it all - a 'mixed ability shaman' - an act you shouldn't miss if you ever get the chance. And he's got a book coming out, too: "Attitude: Wanna make something of it?". Look out for that.

Things change fast, don't they? Yesterday was Julie's 40th, and also the day that my son Keili rang me to say he was in London, and hoping to get down to visit for the weekend. We haven't met in many years, as he was living in Australia, and more recently America.

So it's another of those big change moments - just when I thought life was drifting into dull and routine again.

And it means that I am not going to the British Juggling Convention, in Whitstable, even though Graham and Irene will be there. I wasn't going to go (indeed I am cat-sitting for the circus), but I could have made up for missing him in Hawaii. Priorities shift, and now I am definitely going to be here on homebase. I gather there is a video of the festival available now, which I will try to get hold of, and I was sent a list of people's contacts.

And so it goes.....

Oh - it's still grey and wet here, I am afraid. Tans fade fast.

And I am still very wary about doing things with the servers at work, as they play up a little when I am on my own [our technical whizz is on leave] - I am surviving, however, and providing a reasonable [if not perfect] service, so I must have learned a fair amount in the last year, since joining this department.

I did return to aches and pains though - after three weeks of feeling OK in Hawaii. Whether that is just rheumatic stuff from the climate, or stress from the work, or what, I have no idea. I wasn't exactly burning with energy while I was away, but I was jumping up in the mornings [tropical dawn]. Now I have that hibernating sloth about my mornings again...hey ho.

Julie is doing loads of work to the garden, [with the help of younger, stronger, cleverer men], setting out to build a verandah, as well as paving the 'sunning space' in the middle. Photos wil go up when my new PC is in place. I am having a blessed rest from computers at home right now - reading books and stuff - it's great!

I am not getting a lot of time on here at the moment. Still got erratic sleep patterns, and no direct access to the Net from home at the moment. I will try to get more interesting material into this at some point, but right now it is just a useful diary....

Aloha! to everyone who was in Hawaii - and a special big hug for Irene and Graham. Mahalo!

I am fairly sure that it was my CPU which burned out. No P.O.S.T. beeps, and the last message I saw from my hardware doctor was CPU fan overheating.

I could start playing around replacing parts, but it could be a rather expensive project, so I am going to bite the bullet and go into debt [that is cheerfully known as 'credit' to this generation] to buy a new PC. I might as well get up to speed - it doesn't stop me tinkering in my spare time....

Really, I am more inclined to get on with writing, and designing, than the hardware geek stuff [even though I find that more interesting than I did before]. Dull stuff, right now, I am afraid, but it's just diary notes to self, not publising as such. Blog has become such a phenomena that I feel I should be making more effort, but I just find it useful for quick diary notes to self....I could almost make this a private Blog with very little loss. It's only because I tagged this one to the website that I leave it open to view....

I have been stumbling through a week at work. Let me tell you - jet-lag when travelling West to East is a real effect! I thought I was good at late nights, and wayward bodyclock behaviour, but this turned me inside out. I arrived at work at what felt like midnight, and by the end of the working day it is like watching the dawn come up after an all-night rave....

So when people ask me if I enjoyed the break, I can't really remember, I feel so weird. Hey Ho.

And while I was gone the home computer developed strange noises and behaviour, and I started fiddling with it on my return, and now it is off-line, and semi-dismantled, as I try to decide which fan is making a noise, whether the CPU is overheating, whether my motherboard is burned out, etc. I suppose I shouldn't have started messing with it in the jet lag mode.....I was only gone three weeks, and the household machines started playing up. The video wouldn't work for those left behind [although I have reset that].

So don't expect many changes in the webpage, until I get myself back online. I can just about monitor my emails, and do these blogs, but that's about it.

[Just a wave to a face in the crowd] "Great news, Caroline!"

And now I am back. Jet-lagged. Stiff neck. Disorientated. Back to work in about 6 hours.

I am a little bit browner, (in spite of the tropical downpours which dominated the end of the festival); a bit older; only slightly wiser.

I don't regret having a trip instead of buying a new computer (when you're poor all choices are either/or). I met some great people, who put up with my wayward ways and funny attitiudes - and I learned a couple of new tricks (although I still didn't get into club passing, which seems to dominate the juggling sub-culture even now). And I don't have time to sort through the photos just yet, but I will post a few at some point.

I had a bit of time to think, and saw some very funny acts, and talked to some fascinating people. The journey was pretty tough in both directions (thanks to delays, American Security issues, etc) but was a price worth paying, I guess.

More soon.

Aloha to all friends (past, present and future) and family (wherever you are).

And I didn't get my standby in San Francisco, so I have pounded the streets around my old haunts in North Beach (1971?), found a nice (cheap) hotel, and this Internet Cafe. Went to City Lights, (good to find continuity in an ever-changing world)...didn't spend TOO much....

Back to UK tomorrow...........